Daughter has behavioral issues

I am afraid things are starting to become serious with my eldest daughter. She is beginning to escalate every conflict into a full-blown war. She will not listen to correction and will not control her behavior. It is frightening how much she is imitating her own mother. The problem with mom was (and is) that she will not listen to reason and will not control herself. She becomes so focused on her own behavior that she will not listen to anyone else. She spins out of control and will say and do whatever she feels no matter how much damage the words and actions cause. Once the damage has occurred THEN she is remorseful but only after she has had her moment to shine. My daughter is behaving very much in that same fashion. She will not accept correction without trying to dictate the terms. If she is told to go into the other room and have some time out, she will shout "You're mean! Mean! Mean! Mean!" She will do anything within her means to show defiance and is especially vicious with her mouth.

She tries hard to find a way to get a reaction by sniping. If you insist on her being quiet, she will become even louder and more defiant instead of being quiet. When I say "okay, that's it!" then she starts screaming "No daddy, no daddy, no daddy!!!" and backpedaling as quickly as possible. When that doesn't stop me from confronting her then she starts screaming "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!" as if she is being attacked. She is determined to misbehave and will not listen to correction. The consequences do not matter to her. She is determined to rebel no matter what the situation and no matter how badly she has to behave. My standards aren't always even high. I am not overbearing and try to allow kids to be themselves. Their mom is rigid to the point of pain so I do try to relax that standard to a more human level. When my eldest is willing to be compliant, she flourishes and is genuinely happy. I reward her good decisions and behavior with praise and plenty of positive consequences. In turn, when she is determined to misbehave, I feel like I cannot allow her to defeat me. No matter how badly she behaves, I have to be willing to stay right with her and insist on her behaving to the point that I often leave the room completely spent. Exhausted from the amount of psychic energy required to control my outward response to her defiant behavior.

Fortunately, my youngest daughter is willing to consider the consequences and almost always chooses to control her behavior. She still manages to get herself into trouble but rarely does she push her behavior to the next level. That is normal and easily corrected. The eldest is like stepping in the ring with Tyson at his prime - not a decision to take lightly. Sometimes I have the urge just to overlook the behavior so I am not forced to step into the ring with her. Allowing defiance is never the answer but pretending not to notice sure sounds like a more attractive option than having to go through the meltdown that will assuredly follow the confrontation. I just wish I could throw my hands up and walk away. Heaven knows that would be easier. My wife has done this type of things for years and modeled it in her own behavior so it isn't surprising in the least that my eldest has taken these lessons to heart. Sometimes it feels almost like I am doing battle with that little alter-ego of Dr. Evil; Mini-me. She is very much my daughter in appearance and personality but man did she ever draw the short straw with behavior. Of all the traits to inherit from her mom! I want to help her to think about her behavior. Make a conscientious decision to behave. Sometimes she does employ that line of reason and it is a thing of beauty to witness. Other times, she finds it much easier to just slip into the easier persona of a little terror. She is too old to behave in such an out of control fashion. She can throw a full-on tantrum in the most public of places. Man...I just have to sometimes shake my head. They are receiving counseling but I fear it isn't enough to fully address to problem. How do we ever get to the root cause of the behavior? This is frightening to witness. I will continue to try very hard to be as neutral and level-headed in my response as I can possibly manage although I often still fail.

Wife interrogates the kids

During our last visit, I was taking the girls to school when one of my daughters revealed that my wife has been coercing them to give up information about our discussions. Two separate incidents were disclosed. I will be perfectly clear and say right up front that I do not and will not try to extract information about my wife from the kids. That isn't okay.

In the first incident, my wife took away the cell phone I provide to my daughters and wouldn't give it back until my eldest daughter told her what we had spoken about on our last visit. That conversation was my eldest talking about having choices once she turned ten. My wife wasn't going to allow my daughter to get by without fully-disclosing the details of that conversation. My daughter said her mother hounded her to give up all the information. She said she felt like she had no choice because her mother wouldn't leave her alone and refused to give back the cell phone that she has as a direct link to me.

In the course of our conversation that day, my daughter told me she wanted to live with me. I told her that it wasn't possible right now because the judge had already made a custody determination. I didn't encourage her to feel that way. I just told her that I would be thrilled to have her but that it wasn't time for that discussion. She would have to wait for a few years. I told my daughter that *if* she still wanted to live with me in a few years, when she was about ten or so that the judge would be willing to consider her wishes. That is it. Naturally, my wife told my daughter that it wasn't true. We'll see about that when the time comes.

The real award-winning tactic though has to be her telling the girls they had to tell her everything we talked about "or Daddy will get in trouble". Rich, huh? My eldest said she felt like she had to tell my wife everything in order to protect me. Ironic that my wife says she is so concerned for my well-being and not wanting me to get into trouble. This coming from the same person who attacked me and tried to strip away my rights. How dysfunctional can she get? I'm afraid to find out what happens next. Even my youngest daughter, who is five, was interrogated. This madness has to stop. It isn't fair to subject the children to this sort of coercion and intimidation. That is the sort of thing my wife used to reserve only for me. Now that I am not in the house they appear to be fair game. How could my wife behave this way?