Daughter has behavioral issues

I am afraid things are starting to become serious with my eldest daughter. She is beginning to escalate every conflict into a full-blown war. She will not listen to correction and will not control her behavior. It is frightening how much she is imitating her own mother. The problem with mom was (and is) that she will not listen to reason and will not control herself. She becomes so focused on her own behavior that she will not listen to anyone else. She spins out of control and will say and do whatever she feels no matter how much damage the words and actions cause. Once the damage has occurred THEN she is remorseful but only after she has had her moment to shine. My daughter is behaving very much in that same fashion. She will not accept correction without trying to dictate the terms. If she is told to go into the other room and have some time out, she will shout "You're mean! Mean! Mean! Mean!" She will do anything within her means to show defiance and is especially vicious with her mouth.

She tries hard to find a way to get a reaction by sniping. If you insist on her being quiet, she will become even louder and more defiant instead of being quiet. When I say "okay, that's it!" then she starts screaming "No daddy, no daddy, no daddy!!!" and backpedaling as quickly as possible. When that doesn't stop me from confronting her then she starts screaming "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!" as if she is being attacked. She is determined to misbehave and will not listen to correction. The consequences do not matter to her. She is determined to rebel no matter what the situation and no matter how badly she has to behave. My standards aren't always even high. I am not overbearing and try to allow kids to be themselves. Their mom is rigid to the point of pain so I do try to relax that standard to a more human level. When my eldest is willing to be compliant, she flourishes and is genuinely happy. I reward her good decisions and behavior with praise and plenty of positive consequences. In turn, when she is determined to misbehave, I feel like I cannot allow her to defeat me. No matter how badly she behaves, I have to be willing to stay right with her and insist on her behaving to the point that I often leave the room completely spent. Exhausted from the amount of psychic energy required to control my outward response to her defiant behavior.

Fortunately, my youngest daughter is willing to consider the consequences and almost always chooses to control her behavior. She still manages to get herself into trouble but rarely does she push her behavior to the next level. That is normal and easily corrected. The eldest is like stepping in the ring with Tyson at his prime - not a decision to take lightly. Sometimes I have the urge just to overlook the behavior so I am not forced to step into the ring with her. Allowing defiance is never the answer but pretending not to notice sure sounds like a more attractive option than having to go through the meltdown that will assuredly follow the confrontation. I just wish I could throw my hands up and walk away. Heaven knows that would be easier. My wife has done this type of things for years and modeled it in her own behavior so it isn't surprising in the least that my eldest has taken these lessons to heart. Sometimes it feels almost like I am doing battle with that little alter-ego of Dr. Evil; Mini-me. She is very much my daughter in appearance and personality but man did she ever draw the short straw with behavior. Of all the traits to inherit from her mom! I want to help her to think about her behavior. Make a conscientious decision to behave. Sometimes she does employ that line of reason and it is a thing of beauty to witness. Other times, she finds it much easier to just slip into the easier persona of a little terror. She is too old to behave in such an out of control fashion. She can throw a full-on tantrum in the most public of places. Man...I just have to sometimes shake my head. They are receiving counseling but I fear it isn't enough to fully address to problem. How do we ever get to the root cause of the behavior? This is frightening to witness. I will continue to try very hard to be as neutral and level-headed in my response as I can possibly manage although I often still fail.