Daughter has behavioral issues

I am afraid things are starting to become serious with my eldest daughter. She is beginning to escalate every conflict into a full-blown war. She will not listen to correction and will not control her behavior. It is frightening how much she is imitating her own mother. The problem with mom was (and is) that she will not listen to reason and will not control herself. She becomes so focused on her own behavior that she will not listen to anyone else. She spins out of control and will say and do whatever she feels no matter how much damage the words and actions cause. Once the damage has occurred THEN she is remorseful but only after she has had her moment to shine. My daughter is behaving very much in that same fashion. She will not accept correction without trying to dictate the terms. If she is told to go into the other room and have some time out, she will shout "You're mean! Mean! Mean! Mean!" She will do anything within her means to show defiance and is especially vicious with her mouth.

She tries hard to find a way to get a reaction by sniping. If you insist on her being quiet, she will become even louder and more defiant instead of being quiet. When I say "okay, that's it!" then she starts screaming "No daddy, no daddy, no daddy!!!" and backpedaling as quickly as possible. When that doesn't stop me from confronting her then she starts screaming "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!" as if she is being attacked. She is determined to misbehave and will not listen to correction. The consequences do not matter to her. She is determined to rebel no matter what the situation and no matter how badly she has to behave. My standards aren't always even high. I am not overbearing and try to allow kids to be themselves. Their mom is rigid to the point of pain so I do try to relax that standard to a more human level. When my eldest is willing to be compliant, she flourishes and is genuinely happy. I reward her good decisions and behavior with praise and plenty of positive consequences. In turn, when she is determined to misbehave, I feel like I cannot allow her to defeat me. No matter how badly she behaves, I have to be willing to stay right with her and insist on her behaving to the point that I often leave the room completely spent. Exhausted from the amount of psychic energy required to control my outward response to her defiant behavior.

Fortunately, my youngest daughter is willing to consider the consequences and almost always chooses to control her behavior. She still manages to get herself into trouble but rarely does she push her behavior to the next level. That is normal and easily corrected. The eldest is like stepping in the ring with Tyson at his prime - not a decision to take lightly. Sometimes I have the urge just to overlook the behavior so I am not forced to step into the ring with her. Allowing defiance is never the answer but pretending not to notice sure sounds like a more attractive option than having to go through the meltdown that will assuredly follow the confrontation. I just wish I could throw my hands up and walk away. Heaven knows that would be easier. My wife has done this type of things for years and modeled it in her own behavior so it isn't surprising in the least that my eldest has taken these lessons to heart. Sometimes it feels almost like I am doing battle with that little alter-ego of Dr. Evil; Mini-me. She is very much my daughter in appearance and personality but man did she ever draw the short straw with behavior. Of all the traits to inherit from her mom! I want to help her to think about her behavior. Make a conscientious decision to behave. Sometimes she does employ that line of reason and it is a thing of beauty to witness. Other times, she finds it much easier to just slip into the easier persona of a little terror. She is too old to behave in such an out of control fashion. She can throw a full-on tantrum in the most public of places. Man...I just have to sometimes shake my head. They are receiving counseling but I fear it isn't enough to fully address to problem. How do we ever get to the root cause of the behavior? This is frightening to witness. I will continue to try very hard to be as neutral and level-headed in my response as I can possibly manage although I often still fail.

Wife interrogates the kids

During our last visit, I was taking the girls to school when one of my daughters revealed that my wife has been coercing them to give up information about our discussions. Two separate incidents were disclosed. I will be perfectly clear and say right up front that I do not and will not try to extract information about my wife from the kids. That isn't okay.

In the first incident, my wife took away the cell phone I provide to my daughters and wouldn't give it back until my eldest daughter told her what we had spoken about on our last visit. That conversation was my eldest talking about having choices once she turned ten. My wife wasn't going to allow my daughter to get by without fully-disclosing the details of that conversation. My daughter said her mother hounded her to give up all the information. She said she felt like she had no choice because her mother wouldn't leave her alone and refused to give back the cell phone that she has as a direct link to me.

In the course of our conversation that day, my daughter told me she wanted to live with me. I told her that it wasn't possible right now because the judge had already made a custody determination. I didn't encourage her to feel that way. I just told her that I would be thrilled to have her but that it wasn't time for that discussion. She would have to wait for a few years. I told my daughter that *if* she still wanted to live with me in a few years, when she was about ten or so that the judge would be willing to consider her wishes. That is it. Naturally, my wife told my daughter that it wasn't true. We'll see about that when the time comes.

The real award-winning tactic though has to be her telling the girls they had to tell her everything we talked about "or Daddy will get in trouble". Rich, huh? My eldest said she felt like she had to tell my wife everything in order to protect me. Ironic that my wife says she is so concerned for my well-being and not wanting me to get into trouble. This coming from the same person who attacked me and tried to strip away my rights. How dysfunctional can she get? I'm afraid to find out what happens next. Even my youngest daughter, who is five, was interrogated. This madness has to stop. It isn't fair to subject the children to this sort of coercion and intimidation. That is the sort of thing my wife used to reserve only for me. Now that I am not in the house they appear to be fair game. How could my wife behave this way?

Judge granted me a new trial!!!

October is traditionally a month where disasters occur in my life. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. No matter how positive my outlook and the goals I set, it seems October always has my number. This year has been exceptionally bad, dealing with the fallout from this unjust injunction. Finally, a ray of hope has shot over the horizon of November! My attorney called me this morning and said the judgment from before has been vacated. She has placed a temporary injunction but I am one step closer to regaining my place in society. My wife is one step closer to a disaster of her own making. As giddy as I am about the judge's decision, it also pains me to consider the potential ramifications of this trial.

I don't take lightly what is at stake here - I know from firsthand experience how brutal this can be. While I am angry and hurt by what my wife has done to me and our kids with her lies, I still care about her very much. I don't want her to end up in trouble. All I want is my life back, my rights returned and her to get the help she absolutely needs. She was cruel to do this to me but I don't gain anything by seeing her hurt. She will gain little by being punished other than the obvious inconvenience and misery that she can only blame on herself. An actual psychiatric evaluation and a plan of treatment would be the only thing that would have any lasting and beneficial effect.

I am still wondering if she will come to her senses and try to work out a deal. I have so much more evidence and preparation this time around. I went back and did things the legal way this time instead of simply telling the judge what happened like I did the first time. Now I have all my information organized and streamlined. That doesn't bode well for the wife. She doesn't have much she can pin on me but I have years worth of abuse I recorded in my journal that my attorney will help to present. That information along with testimony I and my witnesses have will draw a very compelling picture that more accurately portrays who is the abuser and who has been abused. I am slow but I am not dumb. I have had plenty of time to live with regret about what wasn't said and how I responded. I was lost in the first trial. This time I have my voice and I have a professional to represent my interests. If you are a person who enjoys odds....who do you like better? I'm putting all my chips on myself. I'm all-in and not going to hold anything back. Perhaps my wife will finally stop underestimating me. Only time will tell.

Thoughts on justice

My pastor has been counseling me on thinking in terms of how Christ dealt with injustice and betrayal. He isn't trying to get into specifics of the case as much as simply address the behaviors and emotions I experience throughout this ordeal. He reasons (correctly) that Jesus is the guy that has already been down that road and has been through more and done it with grace and dignity. He forgave the people who did him wrong and it is that forgiveness that we cannot refuse to extend to others. I just don't know how to do it. It is critically important to be able to let go and move on with life but this is something that is always around. I have to deal with the person who did this to me on some level nearly every day. I am limited in the places I can go and the freedom I have to be available to my kids without some sort of legal permission. I don't know if my wife anticipated all of this when she went for the mini-divorce in domestic violence court. I doubt she is entirely thrilled with the outcome of this injunction either. She cannot speak to me because I refuse to listen to her. The injunction will be enforced both directions regardless of the court's findings. She did this so she can suffer along with me. It is our children who sadly must suffer the most. It is sickening.

I cannot lie, I want justice. I want her to be remorseful for what she has done to our family. I want her to feel ashamed and mortified by this evil act she committed on me. It truly feels like she has cut out my tongue. She savagely attacked me and now I am prevented from even confronting her behavior. It is so sad, sick and wrong. Some days I really have a difficult time coping with the reality that has been forced upon me. I expect it will get worse again when I have to start taking 'don't beat your wife' classes every Wednesday beginning next week. That is nothing short of abuse to have to endure such a thing. It is going to cost me $750 to have someone accusing me about being in denial about my violence. How do I make peace with that?

This is all stuff I have said before but it is something I have to live with each and every day. It was a lie from the start and some days I feel like she deserves to rot in hell for what she has done to me and our girls. If I were to publish the journals I have kept chronicling my wife's behavior over the past several years it would turn your stomach. The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to pursue full custody of the girls. I think she can be a good mother when things are going well but I don't trust her. I cannot trust her as long as this lie is hanging over my head. That and if she cannot or will not admit responsibility for what has transpired, how can I trust that she will not repeat the lessons of her past. Her mother beat her, threatened to commit suicide and stalked her father. All in plain view of my wife and her siblings. She has learned this behavior long ago and it hasn't just gone away. It is still there and that scares the hell out of me. I know this sickness is something she didn't ask for but it isn't right that the rest of our family should have to bear her cross while she continues to do damage and threaten the emotional health of our kids. They are so young and impressionable.

Our kids deserve stability and I am their best shot. It pains me to say that. I feel like a girl (especially) needs a mom. The thought of teaching a girl how to be a woman mystifies me. I will do it and do it gladly if I must. She must get help or the behavior will resurface again and again. This is the sort of thing that will never go away until it is dealt with. There is no way she can convince me she has dealt with this anger, violence and instability when she has done the sort of things she has to me.

Perspective promotes healing. Nobody can heal until the wrongs have been righted. At least that is what I perceive to be the case. I hope I am wrong because it could be a very long time before my wife comes clean. Now that she has committed to this path I don't know if she can possibly admit she was wrong without exposing herself. If she will not own up to it, I'm going to come after the truth in court and I pray justice will finally prevail.


I just don't think I will be able to rest until this has been resolved. The cut is far too deep to heal anytime soon. It pains me to say it but forgiveness still feels like a far off land. I wonder what my girls will think one day when they start asking questions about what happened between their mother and me. I would never use this as a weapon but it is factual and it is going to strongly portray my side of the story. I pity my wife when that day comes. She will not only have to answer to me, she will have to answer to her daughters. That will not be a pleasant conversation.

Go ahead honey, make my day!

My wife was kind enough to abandon all of my belongings at our old house when she moved this past weekend. I need to now arrange for a truck and an additional storage unit for all my extra stuff. I don't need the things she left - for the most part it is garage stuff that is nice to have when you have a garage. Right now I don't even have a home is it will not be doing me much good. She did leave me most of the things I said I wanted which was a good idea. It leaves us less to argue about in the divorce.

Now we can focus on the larger issues of custody and her slanderous assault on my character. I cannot wait to have our day in court. It would almost be anticlimactic to make a deal outside of court for her to recant her testimony. Something tells me she will be foolish enough to press her luck. I almost hope she does. While I don't wish for anybody to have to deal with the hell I have been through, I'd love to be able to expose her evil side to the world. Let there be no doubt of what she is and what she has done. She has destroyed our family with her unstable and downright mean behavior. Now that I have the benefit of an outstanding witness and a no-nonsense attorney, custody of my girls is entirely possible. That would be the best thing for them. I'm no genius when it comes to kids but I am a good dad. I know my girls quite well, I am level-headed and I love them more than life itself. If living with the agony of my wife's instability and rage all these years doesn't prove that, I don't know what else ever would.

I am angry with my wife and certainly have every right to be but I am not a monster. I don't want her to have to go through life with a black mark on her record. That would serve nobody well, especially my children. With her aspiring to be a teacher, it would be an instant death-sentence. No school will hire a batterer. She deserves to be punished but I would rather this not happen. I would prefer she get the help she needs, admit what she has done to me and become a better person. Everyone would benefit from that arrangement. I am still trying to forgive but I will NEVER forget. I have every right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

Lost thirty pounds

I stepped onto the scale this morning and got confirmation that I have lost thirty pounds since this all began. I had lost a few prior to the injunction because I was dissatisfied with my state of health. Nothing like losing your arse to help you lose your appetite as well. I have been focused on eating quality food instead of quantity, avoiding 'bad' carbohydrates and drinking more water. It is working. I feel much better, physically speaking. It never hurts to have something positive to hold onto during one of life's greatest trials. I am hopeful that starting a regular exercise regimen will help to drop more fat and add back muscle I have lost over the past ten years. I used to be cut. Not quite ripped but definitely cut and could run fifteen miles without much trouble. Before meeting my wife, I had been training for a marathon. That all changed as we played house and got into being a couple. My weight steadily increased the first few years and then really blew up once we started having children. I went from 185 pounds to 258. I am not proud of those numbers but now that I am down into the 220's, I feel better and am starting to get just a little of my self-image back. Lose another twenty and I'll be feeling quite well. Food used to be a source of comfort and a momentary escape. No longer. I refuse to spend another day feeling powerless to make lasting, positive changes in my life. At the pool this afternoon, my youngest came up and put her hands on either side of my waist and looked up at me and said, "There isn't so much of you to grab anymore, Daddy." Remind me to give that kid a raise in her allowance.

Missing the old days

A random thought occurred to me just now. I happened to walk into the room where my computer is placed and saw a photo on the slide show screen saver of my wife with our youngest daughter when she was nearly a year old. We were in New England visiting her family. I miss the simplicity of those times. We were poor but we were at least certain in our relationship. This was before things began to deteriorate between us. There had already been some real nasty fights and emotional blackmail incidents but they were not nearly as frequent as they have been the past several years. We were so caught up in taking care of a young baby and an active toddler that we sort of overlooked our relationship and allowed our problems to get swept under the rug. That was a huge mistake as the slights I experienced during those years came back to haunt us both. I had felt abandoned and left to fend for myself at that time. It doesn't matter how many books you read, there is no adequate preparation for the change in your life you experience once you've had kids. Especially when you go from one to two. The power of young children in relationship to their parents is exponential. With one child, the two parents are up to the task because they outnumber the kid. Even outnumbering the child leaves you exhausted. Once you have two children things really get out of hand. It was as if we were totally outnumbered. We were tired. We were poor. I begged my wife to get a job and help me with the finances. She analyzed everything to death and said she couldn't do it because it just wouldn't be possible. That really broke the dam with me.

Five years later, things finally ground to a halt. After choosing to have me thrown out of our home like last week's garbage, my wife now has to deal with the reality I have faced each day for the past ten years: You must work if you want to keep the lights on and food on the table. I don't know what she is going to do to make it. She is definitely going to have to grow up in a hurry and embrace reality. Reality is bearing down on her like a bull to a matador's red cape. Why on earth did she do it this way. The worst thing she could have done, tactically speaking, is to force me out of the home before she had her career established. Seeking this injunction was absolutely premeditated. What was there to gain? Why attempt to destroy another person and create such bad blood? Am I not still the father of our children? Will we not still have to find a way to work together to parent the kids? How could she have done such a monstrous thing? The more I contemplate this debacle, the more I am confused.

Time to get to sleep. I hope the addition of Melatonin to my diet will help me get some rest. I have continued to be plagued by terrible dreams of disaster and misfortune. The dreams don't always revolve around this mess with my wife but mostly they do. At times it becomes bad enough that I don't want to sleep. I wish this could all just go away. I wish my wife could have learned to deal with her emotions so we could still be together. I need stability in my relationships and that has been missing for a very long time. I've toed the line for so many years I forgot that what I needed counted for anything but an afterthought. I am large and physically strong but have always felt like a fresh bone in the mouth of a hungry junkyard dog when it comes to my wife. I have felt like property and not like an individual who is respected and cherished. Being prized isn't the same thing as being cherished. Being an asset isn't the same thing as being a life partner, lover and friend. Back in the days when that photo was taken, there were enough good times that it seemed like we had hope. In the end, ten years of being together has brought two absolutely stunning daughters. That counts for a great deal. I was telling the girls just tonight as I tucked them into bed that they are my first love, last love and forever love. They thought that was funny. My youngest looked at me funny and asked if that would be true when I am an old guy. I assured them that they would be what was on my mind as I drew my last breath (hopefully as a very old guy). I assured them that if I were an old dude then they would be old, too. They thought that was hysterical. They cannot imagine being old - ever. Good for them. I envy them for that sort of mindset.