Missing the old days

A random thought occurred to me just now. I happened to walk into the room where my computer is placed and saw a photo on the slide show screen saver of my wife with our youngest daughter when she was nearly a year old. We were in New England visiting her family. I miss the simplicity of those times. We were poor but we were at least certain in our relationship. This was before things began to deteriorate between us. There had already been some real nasty fights and emotional blackmail incidents but they were not nearly as frequent as they have been the past several years. We were so caught up in taking care of a young baby and an active toddler that we sort of overlooked our relationship and allowed our problems to get swept under the rug. That was a huge mistake as the slights I experienced during those years came back to haunt us both. I had felt abandoned and left to fend for myself at that time. It doesn't matter how many books you read, there is no adequate preparation for the change in your life you experience once you've had kids. Especially when you go from one to two. The power of young children in relationship to their parents is exponential. With one child, the two parents are up to the task because they outnumber the kid. Even outnumbering the child leaves you exhausted. Once you have two children things really get out of hand. It was as if we were totally outnumbered. We were tired. We were poor. I begged my wife to get a job and help me with the finances. She analyzed everything to death and said she couldn't do it because it just wouldn't be possible. That really broke the dam with me.

Five years later, things finally ground to a halt. After choosing to have me thrown out of our home like last week's garbage, my wife now has to deal with the reality I have faced each day for the past ten years: You must work if you want to keep the lights on and food on the table. I don't know what she is going to do to make it. She is definitely going to have to grow up in a hurry and embrace reality. Reality is bearing down on her like a bull to a matador's red cape. Why on earth did she do it this way. The worst thing she could have done, tactically speaking, is to force me out of the home before she had her career established. Seeking this injunction was absolutely premeditated. What was there to gain? Why attempt to destroy another person and create such bad blood? Am I not still the father of our children? Will we not still have to find a way to work together to parent the kids? How could she have done such a monstrous thing? The more I contemplate this debacle, the more I am confused.

Time to get to sleep. I hope the addition of Melatonin to my diet will help me get some rest. I have continued to be plagued by terrible dreams of disaster and misfortune. The dreams don't always revolve around this mess with my wife but mostly they do. At times it becomes bad enough that I don't want to sleep. I wish this could all just go away. I wish my wife could have learned to deal with her emotions so we could still be together. I need stability in my relationships and that has been missing for a very long time. I've toed the line for so many years I forgot that what I needed counted for anything but an afterthought. I am large and physically strong but have always felt like a fresh bone in the mouth of a hungry junkyard dog when it comes to my wife. I have felt like property and not like an individual who is respected and cherished. Being prized isn't the same thing as being cherished. Being an asset isn't the same thing as being a life partner, lover and friend. Back in the days when that photo was taken, there were enough good times that it seemed like we had hope. In the end, ten years of being together has brought two absolutely stunning daughters. That counts for a great deal. I was telling the girls just tonight as I tucked them into bed that they are my first love, last love and forever love. They thought that was funny. My youngest looked at me funny and asked if that would be true when I am an old guy. I assured them that they would be what was on my mind as I drew my last breath (hopefully as a very old guy). I assured them that if I were an old dude then they would be old, too. They thought that was hysterical. They cannot imagine being old - ever. Good for them. I envy them for that sort of mindset.