Violence, regrets and acceptance

I received some thoughtful advice from a reader about leaving myself exposed to being taken out of context in any future court proceedings by having words about rage and hate included in my blog. I don't want to take away from the genuine feelings I have expressed here by redacting things that might be taken out of context. I will be plain and simple in stating that I am not a violent person. I can experience tremendous depths of emotion but I do not think there is any excuse for violence. I abhor violence in the home. No argument is worth me going to jail or violating my principles of non-violence. I am not some sort of girly-man who just allows himself to be pushed around. I will always stand up for what is right but each of us must respect the limitations to what is appropriate during a dispute.

I would never hurt my wife. That she claims to be afraid of me hurts me a great deal. I don't know why she would say such a terrible thing. Even though we were headed towards divorce, there is no excuse for saying damaging things. To me that is evidence that she isn't exercising right thinking. I am afraid for her. She hasn't crossed a bridge in this life that she hasn't burned in her wake. When I announced I was through with all of it (arguments, abuse, harassment, etc...) she followed the normal pattern of behavior and burned me. After some time of reflection I cannot say I am all that surprised. I am hurt but not surprised. As the father of her children, I expected she would have respected my role in their lives and handled the divorce with dignity and grace. We both have been fighting for and against one another for years and we are both exhausted. We have issues of forgiveness that go back almost to the day we met. They have grown and festered into some kind of monster that has a life of its own. It is just so sad and unnecessary. All she has succeeded in doing was isolating herself. I am strong and I will go on with my life. She has cut me to shreds but I will heal. Will she? She has created tremendous bad will by this act of betrayal. I will forgive her in time but I don't know if I can ever have a good relationship with her ever again.

If she were half the Christian she strives to be, she'd fall down on her knees in front of our church (the one I am not allowed to attend because of the restraining order) and confess she has manipulated this mole hill into a mountain. She should confess that she thrives on chaos and desperately needs to feel loved and cared for and is willing to do damn near anything to get that love. It is understandable to have a hole in your heart and crave affection and acceptance. We all have that need to one degree or another but it crosses the line when you use another person as a burnt offering in order to get that reinforcing attention. She needs to come to terms with this overpowering need. I suspect that the realization of what she has done will gnaw at her conscience until it finally breaks her. I don't need to confront her. That would serve no purpose but to have her reinforce her position and to go back to the source of those feelings that began this debacle. In conclusion, I am sad. I am sad for both of us. I am more sad for her because I am going to heal and make a full recovery. She will have a choice to make whenever the crushing guilt overwhelms her: she will either decide to come back from the brink of this destructive personality or she will decide to embrace it and forever be damaged and never be able to have a healthy and happy relationship the rest of her life.

These are serious times. I think this is her defining moment. I have decided that I am going to be a survivor. I have already learned so much about myself from this process. The healing is already underway for me. I will not allow my thoughts to be focused on revenge and retribution. That is wasted emotion. I would rather love her (from a distance) as a wonderful but flawed soul. I wish I could have come to this understanding years ago. Perhaps I could have seen her for the person she is and not the person I wanted her to be. Or the person I thought she was. That wasn't fair of me but I just didn't understand at the time what it was that drove her behavior. I wonder if I could have saved her from herself? We all have to accept responsibility for our actions and I have made enough mistakes to fill a large book. I regret them all. It is a heavy burden to bear, knowing you have played a role in someone else's destruction. I did it mostly unwittingly. I knew I wasn't giving her what she wanted most. I didn't feel like I was capable of showing her unconditional love. I was angry and bitter for the way I perceived I had been mistreated. We both made many mistakes and I accept responsibility for mine.

I just got off the phone with a good friend. We spoke about living with regrets and the importance of letting go of those regrets so they aren't allowed to control you. I likened my regrets to ugly furniture tucked away in the den of my home. I would hate for company to see the plaid 1970's recliner I have laid in all these years but it is comfortable and I have taken up residence in its confines (metaphorically speaking - I do have taste). I had a life with my wife that was only a part of me. There was another part of me that was nearly as vivid and real as the person she saw those ten years. That other part of me was beneath the surface. It was my thought life. In that other identity, I harbored (and still do) many regrets. Also found there were anger, bitterness, melancholy and some degree of hopelessness. Many a shattered dream kept me company in my own private Idaho. I wish I could have been more open about this other part of my personality but I never trusted my wife enough to let it all out. I think she intuitively understood that and resented me for it all these years. I have always held back. She knows me so well in so many ways but in others, she doesn't know me at all. While I was discussing the metaphorical den of ugliness, I said I really wanted to clean it out and stop living with all this baggage and their side-effects. My friend made a great suggestion and opined that I should 'burn it'. Perhaps I ought to take the time to write out all the regrets I can think of, the things I am guilty about, the shame, the unforgiveness and my anger. I could write each of those things on my list on separate sheets of paper and attach each one to a stick of wood and build a fire. I'd start out with the smaller slights and hurts and use those as kindling and then work up to the progressively larger hurts. I could carefully and considerately read then throw each one onto the fire until they are all gone. I don't know if it would take anything away but I am a conceptual person. I need to somehow be able to 'see' something in my mind before I can fully embrace the paradigm. This is just a thought but I am enjoying the concept. It will likely take me weeks or even months to fully document the crap in my closet. That's okay. I have nothing but time these days. May we all sleep well tonight.