Sleepless but dealing...

We had some violent thunderstorms a few days ago that woke me up around 4:00 a.m. I swear, I hate the early morning hours. I have the most terrible dreams. I will lie in bed, not even awake, for an eternity with my subconscious mind scaring the hell out of me about some aspect of the DVI or whatever it is my wife might be plotting. Today, I was grinding over what will happen to my stuff and how will I find a way to ever get our affairs resolved so I can get on with my life. I dreamed that my stuff was left at the old house and she provided me the key to go get it and then informed the judge I had gone to the house that I was specifically forbidden to enter. The fact that she had already moved didn't matter. I was still in trouble.

It is so stupid but I cannot stop my subconscious from going over different scenarios of how I am going to be in trouble or how she will find a way to set me up for failure next. It is misery. My attorney submitted documents to the court Friday, a week and a half ago to re-open my the case against me and the complaint I filed against my wife. I wish I knew whether or not the judge will agree to hear the case again. My attorney said it could take a few months to learn the outcome. There is much to be done in the meantime. I just need to be able to let go of the things I cannot control. They are out of my hands so grinding over 'what-if?' scenarios will do nothing but wear me down.

The only way to get beyond this nightmare is to just plow through it. If the judge declines then I suppose that will be my answer and I will have to find a way to just bite the bit and get on with life and try to set the bitterness aside. It is cruel to attack someone in such a malicious manner. I hope God gives her a just reward. I'm sorry I have been dwelling on this subject so much. It has overtaken my life and is an incredible distraction. If I had done something wrong, at least I could have blamed myself for making my own problems. In this case, I an innocent man judged to be guilty. I am trying to deal with it the best I can but sometimes it just gets to be too much. Unfortunately, my medical insurance does not cover counseling so I will be forced to drop a pretty hefty dime if I want to have a guided self-conversation. Perhaps it is time to go to Borders and peruse the self-help section. I really need to do something because the nightmares and the bitterness aren't going away. I know this is temporary and that I am just trying to grapple with my perceptions of unfairness. I'm not losing my mind. It is simply a matter of trying to accept the unacceptable. I know the routine of counseling enough to know that you have to talk about your feelings (like I am right now), reflect on your conclusions and choose to accept things as they are or to make positive changes. Forgive those who torment you and learn to accept that you cannot change anyone but yourself. I know all of these things but I just have to actually apply this knowledge. Therapy would be fine but I am strong enough to get through this with the help of good friends, plenty of time and the willingness to continue learning about myself. Reading books such as 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl help to bring perspective as well as a good kick in the butt. How can I feel too sorry for myself when my suffering is trivial compared to others?

A good friend said he had been thinking a lot about this struggle of mine and found a most interesting parallel. It is that of Jesus himself. I didn't know what to think if that revelation at first but as he continued speaking, it made more sense. He reasoned that how could Jesus be real to us unless he had suffered every injustice known to man only much worse than we could have experienced? He was perfected in his suffering and ultimate sacrifice. I'm not trying to be preachy here but the parallel exists. My friend said this situation was strikingly familiar to Christ's betrayal. People who had been like brothers denied they even knew Him. People who had been welcoming Him with open arms just days before were ready to stone Him. He was mocked and slandered. As we all know, ultimately He was put to death for crimes He did not commit. Again, just like Frankl, the example teaches that no matter what you are dealing with there is an example of someone before you who has gone through it with grace who was probably more righteous than you. There is a way out. It might not be comfortable and you might get cut to ribbons on the way out but you will get out. I will get beyond this. Things will get better. Even if my name is never cleared of these battery charges, they will not define me. That is up to me - not my wife.