Dear Pastor, God smacked me so you don't have to!

Today I met my good friend (and pastor) for an early morning breakfast. We spoke about all sorts of things and generally had a good visit. It wasn't until we were walking out into the parking lot that I became rather angry with my wife. I was embarrassed to have to ask him to act as our intermediary. He is extremely busy with his family and pastoral duties but was gracious to take on this burden as well. It was humiliating to have to ask my friend for this favor. It it so unnecessary. After sending a few strongly-worded drafts of what I wanted him to tell her here is the final product that I just emailed him a few minutes ago:

"Hey man,
After spending the better part of the day hurt and upset about how myself and the girls have been done wrong, I felt a nudge to go back to the scripture I discussed with you this morning:
"This is the kind of life you have been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step by step. 'He never did one thing wrong, not once said anything amiss.' They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls."

(1 Peter 2:21-24)

This by no means lessens the way I feel about the situation but I don't need to worry about taking care of business that belongs to God. I don't understand what she is thinking or how she can convince herself things are how she sees them. The truth is absolute and she is going to come to it somewhere in the future. That doesn't do me a bit of good as I spend an hour and a half each week for over seven months, carrying her cross up the hill. I don't know how to do that without extreme bitterness. She turned me in for fear of battery when she has battered me many times over the years and I just took it. How can I go through this with a light heart and a joyful spirit? How can I not hate? This injustice, temporary as it may be, has rattled me to the core. I have lost my faith in my wife's sense of decency and humanity. That will likely never be fully restored no matter what she does or says in the future. As you know, I will readily admit to being less than a model husband and that I have done hurtful things to her. Where do I go from here?

If you haven't sent any of my response to her yet (and I doubt you have given the evident anger in my words) please simply tell her: ' I am too hurt to negotiate anything with her. I will stick with what the court directs and hope she can understand how I feel that it is impossible to interact with her on any level. I don't want to hear her voice on the phone, see her face or in any way be reminded of her. I cannot and will not allow a one-way injunction. It is going to go both ways for the duration of the restraining order. I will honor her wishes even though mine were never considered. I feel hurt and attacked and don't know how long it will take me to recover from the blow. Perhaps never.'


Those are still strong words but I just don't need to be hateful. That will not accomplish anything good or lasting. Regardless of how I feel, I need to be bigger than that. Good old Saint Peter kicked me in the butt with God's words of wisdom. They are absolutely correct. This isn't about her. I cannot change her heart. Only God can do that. Whether or not she changes, I will change. I will grow and I will forgive, in time.


all my best,

- D."

I want to be above my petty desire to avenge the injustice of this incident and just get on with living the life God intends me to lead. I don't understand how God would have intentions for somebody who got married, had kids and then divorced. No matter what, we are all flawed and all deserve to be loved and respected as beautiful and unique individuals. When the Big Guy opens his wallet, I know my picture is somewhere in one of those plastic sleeves even if I have succeeded in very little during my time on this planet. Our daughters are always going to be our most significant contribution to a sad world. They are both absolute rays of sunshine. They are smart, funny and beautiful. There is no love like that of being a parent. Every day I am separated from those two beauties is pure hell. Thursday comes around every week and I get them for an overnight visit. That is the high-water mark of my entire week. A very good friend offered to take me to see our favorite football team in a sky box seat this Sunday. I didn't have to even think twice when I graciously turned him down. As much as I love football it just doesn't matter when my girls are in the picture. Tell me who won, buddy!