One of the luxuries (if you can call it that) of camping out at my parents' house is not really dealing with some of the simple and mundane chores like grocery shopping. Normally I either find something out or just don't eat. I've not had much of an appetite for quite some time. Anyway, tomorrow is the start of my weekend with the girls. The last time they came over for a weekend, I hadn't gone to the grocery store for their normal foods. I felt badly about it and we had different things and it turned out fine. This week, I was determined to do things right and get them the sort of things they love. Before I knew it, I had spent over a hundred dollars on groceries for two little girls for their weekend visit. When I got home and started unloading the bags I realized what I had done. I had done the normal grocery shopping I always did for our family. I did it without thinking. It was just so normal and natural do pick out all the things I used to purchase. I got favorites for my kids and even my wife. When I realized what I had done I had to kind of laugh at myself but, at the same time, it made me sad. As angry as I am with my wife, I miss her. I miss my family. I miss having a home and working in the yard. I miss my life - the one I used to call my own. Mostly, I miss belonging somewhere. That is a longing that isn't likely to go away easily. I wonder if it will ever feel okay to be alone.
I enjoy having my space but not like this. Isolation isn't good for a person. I adore having the opportunity to pursue my interests, which I haven't done in years, but it isn't much fun when you don't have someone to share those things with. It will be good to have the girls around. I always feel so much better when they are here. No matter how exhausting they can be, there is no place I'd rather be than playing with my kids or reading them stories. Yes, tomorrow is going to be a very good day.
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