Forgiveness

I was browsing at the bookstore tonight and came across a compelling quote: "To not forgive is to decide to suffer." As impressed as I am with the wisdom of those words, I am definitely not there yet. The kids called tonight before bed and we had a nice chat. It kind of irritated me to hear my wife and father-in-law in the background, prompting the kids to speak and ask me about my day. I know (in this instance) they are trying to be helpful but it still makes me feel crowded. Hearing the voice of the person who is causing me this misery angers me. She cannot sit there in the background and act as if everything is fine. It isn't. If I am not allowed to speak to my spouse, I'll be damned if I want to hear the sound of her voice. I am trying to find peace and forgiveness within myself but it is beyond me how to accomplish such a daunting task.

Something about this tragedy has really brought out the best and worst in people. With my spouse it is obviously her worst and I hope she somehow can come to terms with the destruction she has left in her wake. The best has come from friends and family. They have been amazingly supportive and encouraging. I still feel very much alone in a room full of people but they are really wonderful to take time to email me or call to check in and just be there to listen. My best friend called today and we had an excellent chat. It seems that every time I relate the story, I relive every emotion I have experienced from then to now. I hate doing it but it is somehow cathartic. Normally, I am a sensitive person but I don't see any need for tears. I feel like a girl these days - a thought or recollection pops into my head and I am instantly overwhelmed by grief and the tears flow like rain. I hate that. I shouldn't be so affected. That isn't what guys are supposed to do. That isn't a way that I have ever behaved or felt before. I suppose there is something about being violated on such an intimate and deeply personal level that draws out every possible emotion without regard for how I think I am supposed to behave. I have never suffered so much intense sadness. It truly is like a death of a loved one.

Enough of this drivel. I'm going out with my brother to a place where we can light a cigar and enjoy life.