The first (and worst) day of the rest of my life

To my sweet daughters:

Today I went to court to try to defend myself against a charge of domestic violence that your mother reported against me. She claimed I threatened her and made her fear for her safety. I didn't have the funds to hire an attorney so I went in alone. That was a terrible mistake. Your mom had an attorney to represent her, courtesy of her father. I was sunk from the moment the hearing started. They scrutinized the domestic violence injunction I had filed against her as a response. I tried to make my point but I was hopelessly lost in the proceedings and the judge was impatient. I didn't know what I was doing and it cost me everything. I have endured years of abuse but couldn't find a way to satisfy the judge that anything at all had occurred. It was over in a flash. My wife lied and said I was a threat to her. She said I was going to hurt her. I have never, in over ten years of being together done anything to harm her. I have never lifted a hand to her. She, on the contrary, has repeatedly abused me. She has hit me, threatened me and humiliated me over and over for years.

I am crushed. Destroyed. I feel like something or someone has died. I cannot even speak to your mother. She unfairly accused me of these awful deeds and I cannot tell her how she has hurt me. I cannot even tell her that you scraped your knee on the sidewalk. I cannot speak to her in any way, shape or form. Her behavior is what brought this about. It all began on Saturday (two months ago) when I tried to take you girls to Grandma's house for a visit. Your mother was angry with my mom for whatever reason and said you guys couldn't go. I disagreed and said that you were going this time. Last weekend she had 'bulldogged' me and took off with you girls and denied your chance to see your grandma even after she had said that it would be okay. She changed her mind. She tried to snatch you girls out of the house and take off once again. We argued over this subject for quite some time. Your mother continued to escalate her agitated behavior, pushing me and screaming. She was scaring me and went way too far. I was afraid for your safety if you were to go with her. My oldest daughter, you refused to go with your mom and remained by my side. My youngest daughter, you were snatched by the arm by your mother and dragged outside where so much ugliness followed....Oh what difference does any of this make? I am now being treated like a criminal and your mom is pretending to be a battered victim. It is so sick. This is the saddest day of my life. The good thing is I get some pretty fair visitation with you guys. It is going to be so much harder to live and interact with you guys because if I so much as utter a syllable at your mother then I am in violation of the law and subject to criminal prosecution. If there were any justice whatsoever in this world, it would be the other way around. Your mom was 'afraid' I might be violent. I have been battered for years. I just didn't have the attorney to help me not completely fall apart on the witness stand. I told the judge that I was confused and wanted a continuance to seek legal counsel. She denied my request and forced the proceedings to go on. That killed me. Now I am a 'batterer' and am going to have to take 29 weeks of classes and be subjected to paying exorbitant amounts for classes I absolutely do not need and don't deserve. It is so unfair. I am a fool for not finding some way to get an attorney sooner. There have been times in my life where I have looked at the mistakes my own father has made and think he is a fool. I think the situation was perfectly obvious. In hindsight, I guess I thought that because I had truth on my side that justice would surely prevail. I froze and became flustered. It was terrible. I was misunderstood from the start due to a very hastily written domestic violence injunction petition. It is totally unfair and unwarranted. I've probably said that a million times already. I have been wronged and there is nowhere I can turn to set things right. I just have to go along with the domestic violence label attached to my good name and hope to one day be able to enjoy the same rights as every other law-abiding citizen in this country. For the next two years I will remain disenfranchised, living apart from my children, my home and all the things that make somewhere feel like home.

I feel violated. I thought the truth would set me free. I wanted to get primary custody of you girls and have the judge compel your mom to get the help she desperately needs. I have lived under her tyranny for years and finally that is over. That part is positive, I suppose. I was denied the normal legal process and was cheated by being falsely accused. Your mother knows what she said is complete garbage. Your grandfather knows it, too. I just don't understand what they were thinking.

I tried to speak to you guys on the phone tonight but couldn't maintain my composure. I kept breaking down and crying. I hate that. I hate it that you guys had to know how devastated I am. It is important that you know I love you. I do. With all my heart. I will go to my grave loving you two unconditionally. I am relieved for my own selfish reasons that I will not have to speak to your mother for two whole years. That part is wonderful. I am so weary of speaking with her. I just want to know why she did this. I want to know how she can justify it in her own mind. How can this be anything but pure evil? My victim's advocate from the sheriff's office even said it was very harsh and disappointing but that I should have been more forceful and descriptive of the abuse. If nine pages of narrative aren't enough I don't know what more I could have done to shout to the world that this is a farce.

All my love,

Daddy