Post-injunction insomnia

It is after 2:30 in the morning and I still cannot fall asleep. I just cannot seem to shut my mind off. I only got two hours of sleep last night out of nervousness of the trial. I cannot stop thinking and re-thinking the questions, answers and the questions I really wanted to ask but didn't get the opportunity. I feel like I've been branded a criminal, framed for a crime I absolutely did not commit. The judge looked at me as if I were some sort of monster. "But your honor, she has hit me over and over the past several years!" I implored her to hear me but she really didn't want to hear that line of thinking. I don't know what I could have done to clarify my position. I am not a monster. I am a loving father. I am a man who has endured years of trauma only to find myself accused and judged guilty of committing acts of violence.

I am rattled to the core. I feel violated. I cannot seem to come to grips with the anguish I am feeling in my heart when I think about my kids. I have failed them no matter how noble my intentions might have been. I want to scream but nobody is listening. I want to cry but tears will not bring back my children or restore my good name. I cannot go to our church any longer because of the restraining order. My home is gone. My possessions are no longer mine to enjoy. I am feeling hollow inside simply thinking about the life I had a few short weeks ago. Now I am reduced to living out of a suitcase and gratefully accepting the hospitality of my parents. I don't know where 'home' is any longer. I can never return to the home I have known as my own.

Hopefully after this grief subsides, acceptance will soon follow. I am eagerly anticipating starting a new life with new hope. I need to find normal - whatever that is. I am in no way suicidal (that is selfish and sick) but I have a difficult time dealing with this feeling of death sounding more attractive than a life with this kind of emotional pain. I only want this extreme pain to go away. I will not drink to dull my senses and will take careful precautions to avoid any sort of behavior that might be destructive. Please, God, just make this grief go away soon! I desperately want to feel whole again.