Being the man my girls need me to be

I was reviewing the past few entries on my blog and came across this:
I asked our third-party contact to get an answer from my wife about how the kids were told about the separation, the injunction and the inevitable divorce. What was spoken to them and what were their questions? Did they cry? Were they surprised? Given all the harsh words spoken so casually over the recent months I have to think they weren't all that surprised in some ways. Still, there is nothing more shocking than to be informed that everything is now different and there will be no turning back. That is huge. I deserve to know what was said. It is unconscionable that I was not included in the discussion but how can I honestly be surprised? God giveth and my wife taketh away.

To her credit, my wife did discuss counseling and I appreciate her efforts. What she didn't explain that I really feel that I need to know is what is stated above. Who was there? What was spoken? Did they cry? Being excluded from major decisions and milestones in their lives is so painful. My youngest daughter came home with me tonight and casually pulled back her lower lip to reveal a missing tooth. That hurt. I was their tooth fairy. I always made a big deal about lost teeth and made certain to get something really fun for them as a gift left beneath their pillow. Not only was I not able to perform my self-appointed duty, I also wasn't even told about it. This was the first tooth she ever lost. I get the sense that my children are gradually slipping away from me. It hurts me so badly to think this way.

The girls are with me tonight and it is so pleasureable to see their innocent faces as they sleep in their beds. This is the way it used to be all the time. I'm their dad. Dad's are supposed to do their job and do anything - suffer any torment to protect his kids (and wife). That is no longer an option. I have been reduced to the role of 'fun dad'. I want to be more than an entertainment coordinator and an ATM machine.They don't use me but they don't understand what my finances are like. They also don't seem to understand that I am still their parent and I am calling the shots when they are with me.

A profound thought just occurred to me; Will I be replaced? Will some other man raise my girls?! I cannot imagine how difficult it could be to accept for all of us. The girls have expressed reservations about either of us remarrying. Obviously, anything like that is the furthest consideration in both our minds. The thought of doing this again will likely keep me on the straight and narrow for a mighty long time.

Life is precious, time is short. Do something significant. I will choose to love these little girls with all my heart and would gladly lay down my life for them. I will even choose to love my wife no matter what she has done to me. I hold no hope for us returning to being a couple. The betrayal cut me so deeply that I will always live in fear of her. My desire to keep my family intact has been tested numerous times over the past several years. No amount of abuse, harassment, arguing or any other manipulation tactic did not make me weaken and leave. I always had a pledge to my daughters that I repeated constantly when they were tiny babies was that "Daddy loves you so much, honey, and nothing will ever tear us apart. I promise I will NEVER leave you (the way my dad left me)"

I still tell them both those words at bedtime but I fear they don't believe me the way they used to. How do I slay a dragon to rescue these fair maidens? I refuse to shrink back into the shadows and become small. I will always want to be their daddy -- the one they know. The one who will never shy away from hard work. The one who will sacrifice himself for the benefit of his family. The one who is the strongest, funniest, coolest daddy who must be ten-feet tall. I still want to be that guy in their life they believe in. If all else fails they should be able to count on their dad to be there. To teach them valuable life lessons so that when I am not around they know what is expected and they understand why.