Forgiveness (part 3) and letting go

I had a good day today. I am beginning to take some proactive steps to shift my life in a new direction. I was able to get some pretty decent furniture quite inexpensively today. It is modest and by no means as nice as the furnishings in the house that I was just frog-marched out of a few weeks ago. It still felt good to be taking the initial steps towards reestablishing my identity and taking responsibility for both my present and my future. I have no idea where I am going to live but I will figure that out pretty soon. My fear is that the silence of living alone might be deafening. I am so accustomed to living in chaos and a place of boisterous play and laughter that I am concerned I might slip backwards and have to deal with even more sadness and feelings of isolation. I miss my girls so much. They can make me crazy but I find I like the way they make me feel even when they are misbehaving. It is good to feel alive and they definitely help me to feel that way.

I am still hanging onto the concept of forgiveness. I think I have fully experienced the emotions of hate, bitterness and rage. If I dwell upon them much longer they will simply drag me down preventing me from seeking happiness and living a better life. I know I will have to make a conscientious decision to forgive even if my wife isn't seeking forgiveness. She clearly believes she is justified in her actions although I am astonished that she could actually believe such outright lies. Knowing her the way I do, she had to convince herself she was afraid of me - afraid I would harm her so she could look the judge in the eye and say it under oath. She lied through her teeth. I have never laid a hand on her in anger. I have never struck, kicked or jerked her in any way. In spite of this, she seems convinced I was going to hurt her. How does a rational person reach this mindset? How does a moral person tell a lie of this magnitude? Is it a bargaining process designed to achieve the greater good? I wish I understood. The only thing I know is I pity her and am deeply saddened by the loss of goodwill in spite of our marital difficulties. I have always treated her kindly even when we were in the worst of times. She could always count on me being courteous and friendly so long as she treated me with even a shred of civility. The only time I became nasty is when she would attack me or badger me. We could have gone on for years living peacefully and even friendly if she would have simply returned my kindness and been willing to accept that we weren't ever going to be star-crossed lovers. I loved her but didn't feel that deep and abiding love for her that she felt she deserved.

She thrives on chaos and controversy. She craves attention more than anyone I know. Combine those characteristics and you have the makings of a person who can have moments of extreme emotions. I do sincerely believe she is a threat to our kids and is mentally ill. She needs to be evaluated and treated. Without me to be there for our kids she is bound to lash out at them next. She needs somebody to control. She needs somebody to vent her frustrations on. Now that she has chosen to get rid of me through such dastardly means she is on her own. There will likely not be another person to take my place for quite some time. She is probably so caught up in the limelight of the moment, being the heroine and victim who will do absolutely anything to protect her kids from the bad man that she will have a mighty difficult time coping with the inevitable letdown of a dying controversy. People will grow bored, the justice system will adjudicate the matter and then we will all go on with our lives. Then what will she do? How will she stoke the fires of controversy next?

I must make a decision to not allow her cruelty to make me suffer any longer. The longer I focus on the injustice of it all, the longer I give her my permission to make me suffer. I wanted away from her and I am glad to have separation. It is a relief after ten-plus years of ever-increasing episodes of depression, rage and occasional violence. The way in which it was done is what hurts me the most. The fact that I am now legally compelled to take violence classes is a weekly hour and a half reminder of who it was that put me there. I have twenty-nine weeks to think about what she has done to me. I don't want revenge so much as I want to confront her with the damage she has done to me. That is somewhat selfish of me, I suppose. I am trying to forgive. It is a process. Today I was less angry with her than I was the day before. That is progress. I still had flashes of fiery rage that would pop up from some random thought but I think it will gradually fade to the point that I just don't care about it any longer. I will simply shrug and wish her the best. I want to feel that way. I need to be able to let go. I had quite a bit of trouble sleeping last night. I didn't get to sleep until four in the morning and then I went through a series of dreams that were dreadful. I dreamed my kids were being terrorized and crying for me to protect them but there was nothing I could do to reach them even though I could clearly see them crying out to me. I also dreamed I had somehow mistakenly violated the restraining order and gotten into trouble and I couldn't explain myself and that it was accidental. The nightmares have to stop. I need peace but I am suffering more torment when I sleep than anything else. It is rare for me to be able to fall asleep before two or three in the morning. That is really not a good thing. It scares me a little to be haunted in my sleep. It might even make my wife happy to know I am feeling this way right now. After all....I deserve everything I get.

I deserve peace and happiness and I am determined to let go of more of the emotional baggage that has weighed me down for years. I know how love is supposed to be and this hasn't been love in a very long time. I honestly hope and pray she finds whatever it is she is looking for. I wish I could just hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright - that we just have to find a way through this. I don't want to fight. I don't want to hate. I want to do whatever we can to show our kids the love and respect they deserve from both parents. She needs to acknowledge she has a problem with her anger and depression. Faith in God is a beautiful thing but she also needs to seek professional help to evaluate her condition and find a solution that will help her cope with her intense emotions. I only want her to get better. Even though we are through, I will always love her. We lived through some very good and bad times as partners. We have two of the most amazing and wonderful little girls the world has ever known and I will always be grateful to her for bringing them into this world. Even in the midst of my own suffering, I ache for her as well. We are both wounded and damaged. I didn't show her the sensitivity she needed. We hurt one another with our words (in her case) and lack of words (in mine). I am ashamed for not opening up to her more. I remained clammed up for so many years because I was afraid she would use my words to hurt me. She was constantly afraid I would leave her. For so long, I thought she was nuts to think this way. Her fear probably wasn't founded in her suspicions of me as much as it was from the wounds deep in her own heart from childhood.

I have always found extreme emotion very frightening and have avoided it like the plague. My avoidance only exacerbated her need for validation and the root of much bitterness was born. Let me just say this once again: I hope she finds what she is looking for and I wish her every happiness and success in her new life. I will keep her in my prayers and pray to God that she treats our girls with a kind and sweet spirit as they continue on their own journey to adulthood. I hope that letting all of this emotional content flow from within me to this page that I will have extra capacity to fill my heart with more love and kindness. I really feel a sense of growth tonight. This has been so helpful. I hope we all sleep well tonight.