Carrying my wife's cross

Remember in the movie, "The Passion of the Christ" where some poor slob who happened to be strong-looking was pulled out of the crowd and forced to drag the cross up the Roman Road for Jesus because He could no longer carry it alone? That is what this day reminded me of, at least a little bit. My wife is the one whom has hit me and been verbally abusive over the years but I am the one who had to endure the humiliation of going to Domestic Violence Intervention class today. Today I only had to meet with the counselor. He treated me like absolute garbage. He instantly appeared to assume that I must be another wife-beater. He was snide and abrupt. He kept making comments under his breath about me trying to be evasive and not telling the truth about what happened. I know that is not a place where you want to get into a shouting match. I did, however, stand my ground.

I asked the counselor why he was so quick to judge me. He said there must be a reason I was ordered to go to the class. I said, "Yes there is, in fact, a reason I am here. My wife has gotten away with abusing me for years but then decided to turn me in for supposed abuse after I told her I wanted a divorce because I couldn't take it any longer." He didn't seem all that convinced at first but as he went through the questionnaire covering background, previous legal infractions and history of violence, it appeared he began to reconsider. His tone and demeanor changed markedly by the end of the interview. I know everyone is assumed guilty when a judge says they are guilty but there are probably lots of guys who have been railroaded in this manner as well. The counselor asked me why I just took the abuse. I told him I didn't start out realizing how bad it could get. I stayed because I knew the chance to obtain custody of our kids would be exceedingly slim. I stayed to be a buffer and protect them. I stayed thinking I could somehow help my wife to behave differently by reasoning and reinforcing positive behaviors. He wasn't impressed that I had stayed in a relationship that was abusive because it was bad for the children. Hey dude, I understand that. It is so easy to sit in judgment of another person's life when you have the benefit of being an armchair quarterback. It is another thing altogether when you are slowly immersed into an abusive relationship. The abuse started very subtly at first. It was mild manipulation through pouting or perhaps a few tears. Over the years it progressed to arguing and sulking for days or threats of humiliation . The final outcome was outright screaming and aggressive confrontation after all other forms of protest had been exhausted.

I also incorrectly reasoned that I am a big guy and I am not scared that a woman one-hundred pounds lighter than me is going to do me serious harm. That was true except for when I slept. That fear was always in the back of my mind. One night, my wife charged into our room where I had been asleep and started screaming and hitting me. My infraction you ask? I had the nerve to email an old high school friend I was close to and entitle the message "hard day". I had just been through hell on earth with my wife harassing me for the better part of an entire weekend. Again, I will admit that I am not the poster child for Perfect Husbands of America. I acted out against her tyranny by doing things I knew aggravated her because I felt like I had to do something to stand up to her bullying. I don't want to claim any excuse for my actions. They are what they are and I could have been more sensitive to my wife's needs for security and reinforcement. I was simply tired and frustrated from dealing with her contentious ways month after month, year after year.

This injunction, while not criminal, might well follow me the rest of my life as a permanent judgment on my record. If I were ever to seek a high-level job this injunction will almost definitely show up on my record. That will be something I can be proud to share with a potential employer. I know I keep moaning about the injustice but it just keeps hammering away at me. I am the victim, for crying out loud! Why doesn't that make any difference? Where do I go for justice? Who even cares enough to listen? This is frustrating me. Time to go to bed and let this nightmare drift out of my mind for now.