The girls are over for a visit this weekend. It is so good to see and be with them again. I put one girl in each bedroom which leaves me with no place to hang out. I remembered needing to find a few items that are missing and possibly packed in the boxes I was allowed to remove from my old house. With plenty of time on my hands, I started going through each box's contents. Memories of the past ten years flooded my mind. There were pictures from happier times, old cards from special occasions, notes back and forth to my wife and pictures of the kids from when they were babies. Pictures from a time when I thought the future would be bright and when I saw us growing old together, raising our daughters and eventually living a prosperous life filled with love and friendship. I don't like to admit it but I cried like a girl. It is devastating to see your life and home packed away in boxes. There is no turning back now. My wife slammed the door shut on reconciliation when she betrayed me and used the court system to attack me and destroy my reputation.
I'm sure she convinced herself she had no choice. I don't understand how that could be. If nothing else, I am a gentle soul who cares deeply about his kids and their welfare. I care about my wife's welfare as well. I don't want any of us to suffer or be victimized by the brutality of the separation process. Before the betrayal, I would have damn near lived under a bridge in order to allow my wife to have every advantage at making it without me. While the marriage was obviously in very bad shape, I have never stopped caring about and for my wife. She is the mother of our kids and my partner for the past then years. Of course I love her. Of course I am concerned for her well-being. Why did she have to make things ten-times worse by going about ending the marriage in such a spectacular and public way? Why couldn't she have done it with some class and dignity? Aren't we all deserving of at least that?
I wasn't there when my kids were told we were divorcing. I have no idea how it was presented. I don't know how to help them get though this very difficult time in their lives. Do they really believe they can count on me to be there for them? I disappeared out of their lives one day so how can they honestly believe I will not simply disappear once again, leaving them alone to deal with their pain? Before all this happened, I used to relish an opportunity for silence. Now, I would give almost anything to not be exposed to so much of it. I crave peace and tranquility but it is nearly impossible to find when your life is so out of balance and you have no roots. I believed I would have these girls under my roof until the day I dropped them off at some university at eighteen years of age. Living with the knowledge that this will not be the case sears my heart. How do I get beyond this? How do I ever find a 'new' normal (whatever that is)?
Will this insomnia ever go away?
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