Thoughts on justice

My pastor has been counseling me on thinking in terms of how Christ dealt with injustice and betrayal. He isn't trying to get into specifics of the case as much as simply address the behaviors and emotions I experience throughout this ordeal. He reasons (correctly) that Jesus is the guy that has already been down that road and has been through more and done it with grace and dignity. He forgave the people who did him wrong and it is that forgiveness that we cannot refuse to extend to others. I just don't know how to do it. It is critically important to be able to let go and move on with life but this is something that is always around. I have to deal with the person who did this to me on some level nearly every day. I am limited in the places I can go and the freedom I have to be available to my kids without some sort of legal permission. I don't know if my wife anticipated all of this when she went for the mini-divorce in domestic violence court. I doubt she is entirely thrilled with the outcome of this injunction either. She cannot speak to me because I refuse to listen to her. The injunction will be enforced both directions regardless of the court's findings. She did this so she can suffer along with me. It is our children who sadly must suffer the most. It is sickening.

I cannot lie, I want justice. I want her to be remorseful for what she has done to our family. I want her to feel ashamed and mortified by this evil act she committed on me. It truly feels like she has cut out my tongue. She savagely attacked me and now I am prevented from even confronting her behavior. It is so sad, sick and wrong. Some days I really have a difficult time coping with the reality that has been forced upon me. I expect it will get worse again when I have to start taking 'don't beat your wife' classes every Wednesday beginning next week. That is nothing short of abuse to have to endure such a thing. It is going to cost me $750 to have someone accusing me about being in denial about my violence. How do I make peace with that?

This is all stuff I have said before but it is something I have to live with each and every day. It was a lie from the start and some days I feel like she deserves to rot in hell for what she has done to me and our girls. If I were to publish the journals I have kept chronicling my wife's behavior over the past several years it would turn your stomach. The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to pursue full custody of the girls. I think she can be a good mother when things are going well but I don't trust her. I cannot trust her as long as this lie is hanging over my head. That and if she cannot or will not admit responsibility for what has transpired, how can I trust that she will not repeat the lessons of her past. Her mother beat her, threatened to commit suicide and stalked her father. All in plain view of my wife and her siblings. She has learned this behavior long ago and it hasn't just gone away. It is still there and that scares the hell out of me. I know this sickness is something she didn't ask for but it isn't right that the rest of our family should have to bear her cross while she continues to do damage and threaten the emotional health of our kids. They are so young and impressionable.

Our kids deserve stability and I am their best shot. It pains me to say that. I feel like a girl (especially) needs a mom. The thought of teaching a girl how to be a woman mystifies me. I will do it and do it gladly if I must. She must get help or the behavior will resurface again and again. This is the sort of thing that will never go away until it is dealt with. There is no way she can convince me she has dealt with this anger, violence and instability when she has done the sort of things she has to me.

Perspective promotes healing. Nobody can heal until the wrongs have been righted. At least that is what I perceive to be the case. I hope I am wrong because it could be a very long time before my wife comes clean. Now that she has committed to this path I don't know if she can possibly admit she was wrong without exposing herself. If she will not own up to it, I'm going to come after the truth in court and I pray justice will finally prevail.


I just don't think I will be able to rest until this has been resolved. The cut is far too deep to heal anytime soon. It pains me to say it but forgiveness still feels like a far off land. I wonder what my girls will think one day when they start asking questions about what happened between their mother and me. I would never use this as a weapon but it is factual and it is going to strongly portray my side of the story. I pity my wife when that day comes. She will not only have to answer to me, she will have to answer to her daughters. That will not be a pleasant conversation.