Like the old Paul Simon song, 'You can call me Al' I suppose I have to ask myself some difficult questions:
1. Why am I so soft in the middle? I was once told by a wise person that I appeared to be a "people-pleaser". I fear that is correct. I want to make everybody happy. I never want to be the bad guy and be the one to cause anyone else pain. This has been often to my own detriment. I hate that about myself.
2. Why do I hesitate to make the difficult decisions? I have lived in a relationship that has been filled with torment and sporadic violence for years. It wasn't until I viewed my notes chronicling the abuse and misery that I realized how pervasive and insidious it had been over the years. Domestic violence had become a lifestyle in our home. I knew it was a very toxic relationship years ago. I was frozen in place, trying to do what I thought was best for my girls but staying there even though it caused me tremendous pain. I didn't run from the abuse because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to rescue my daughters from their mother. I stayed thinking I was somehow protecting them. I did manage to be a buffer between them and their mother but I should have filed for a protective order against her before she did it to me. She did this as a retaliatory measure when I told her I was going to file for divorce. I could have prevented much of this pain by being decisive and taking action. I know I was wrong and must now live with the results of my indecision.
I must be resolved to be more assertive when my instincts tell me something is wrong. I cannot afford to make this kind of mistake ever again. The 'live and let live' approach I take to life is the surest way to end up getting exactly what everyone else gives me instead of asserting my will and accepting nothing less. Enough of the foolishness. Enough compromising my own interests.
How can I be any good to others if I cannot or will not be good to myself first? Enough.
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2 comments:
Ok Al,
That's probably not your real name but I looked through your profile and wasn't able to find a "real name" so for now, I'll call you Al.
Today is your lucky day! However before I give you MY OPINIONS I want to say, anything I say here is just that "my opinion" and I
feel you need to seek therapy from a qualified therapist ASAP. I am or was a bar tender, so I give you only my opinions from long term therapy myself, as well as information I've learned from this amazing box in front of me "My Computer"
Hopefully one day you will be in a position to help someone else using the information I am sharing with you and you take that opportunity and help that person.
I've read through your blog, I noticed a few things that I honestly can't explain there isn't enough room in this little box, but what I will tell you is that being a people pleaser WILL BE THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR CHILDREN, if you don't get to a therapist ASAP and start out with telling them, "someone with a lot of experience [NON professional- just life experience] told you that people pleasers tend to attract/or be attracted to psychopaths, or people with Cluster B personality disorders and due to your wifes actions I feel I can fairly state she is probably in need of therapy herself, her therapist might look into her "entitlement" issues and find a big fat ugly personality disorder. But her issues aren't the reason for this comment.
Well they are but her issues are only a concern to me, because I've seen it over and over again, people who feel "entitled" often alienate the children from the "people pleasing" parent no matter what a great deal you got from the judge!
I've compiled a ton of great information on my blogs [this one and my "My Space Page" that will help you help yourself, along with that therapist that you NEED to contact TODAY!
Take special note to the section on the right where I've compiled stuff about Parent Alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome, your oldest daughter is showing signs of being on her way to being alienated [rude disrespectful and so on] Your wife is showing signs of an alienator [getting a court order to keep you away, allowing the children to "over hear" how you left her and them to fend for themselves and now the lights are going to be shut off- THIS IS TYPICAL of alienators, be very careful LEARN EVERYTHING YOU CAN on this subject, while you also familiarize yourself with Narcissist and or borderline personalities, while your there also read up on Co-Narcissists as well as Co-Dependent personality. I'm not saying you are either, I'm just saying that you might want to see if you have any of the signs other than being the laid back people pleaser that allowed your ex to walk all over you [As we all did].
Don't miss the article titled, the Sociopath Style relating to Alienating parents, on my blog.
Anywho, I hope this helps you.
I onlly wish someone told me half of this when I left my husband, my children would be with me today.
Louise,
You really nailed me! I know you are right. I've been doing lots of studying on narcissists and bi-polar disorder. The signs are all there. I am going to take your advice and check out your resource. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your kind words might be just the thing that helps me prepare for the ugliness that is surely coming.
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