Daughter has behavioral issues

I am afraid things are starting to become serious with my eldest daughter. She is beginning to escalate every conflict into a full-blown war. She will not listen to correction and will not control her behavior. It is frightening how much she is imitating her own mother. The problem with mom was (and is) that she will not listen to reason and will not control herself. She becomes so focused on her own behavior that she will not listen to anyone else. She spins out of control and will say and do whatever she feels no matter how much damage the words and actions cause. Once the damage has occurred THEN she is remorseful but only after she has had her moment to shine. My daughter is behaving very much in that same fashion. She will not accept correction without trying to dictate the terms. If she is told to go into the other room and have some time out, she will shout "You're mean! Mean! Mean! Mean!" She will do anything within her means to show defiance and is especially vicious with her mouth.

She tries hard to find a way to get a reaction by sniping. If you insist on her being quiet, she will become even louder and more defiant instead of being quiet. When I say "okay, that's it!" then she starts screaming "No daddy, no daddy, no daddy!!!" and backpedaling as quickly as possible. When that doesn't stop me from confronting her then she starts screaming "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!" as if she is being attacked. She is determined to misbehave and will not listen to correction. The consequences do not matter to her. She is determined to rebel no matter what the situation and no matter how badly she has to behave. My standards aren't always even high. I am not overbearing and try to allow kids to be themselves. Their mom is rigid to the point of pain so I do try to relax that standard to a more human level. When my eldest is willing to be compliant, she flourishes and is genuinely happy. I reward her good decisions and behavior with praise and plenty of positive consequences. In turn, when she is determined to misbehave, I feel like I cannot allow her to defeat me. No matter how badly she behaves, I have to be willing to stay right with her and insist on her behaving to the point that I often leave the room completely spent. Exhausted from the amount of psychic energy required to control my outward response to her defiant behavior.

Fortunately, my youngest daughter is willing to consider the consequences and almost always chooses to control her behavior. She still manages to get herself into trouble but rarely does she push her behavior to the next level. That is normal and easily corrected. The eldest is like stepping in the ring with Tyson at his prime - not a decision to take lightly. Sometimes I have the urge just to overlook the behavior so I am not forced to step into the ring with her. Allowing defiance is never the answer but pretending not to notice sure sounds like a more attractive option than having to go through the meltdown that will assuredly follow the confrontation. I just wish I could throw my hands up and walk away. Heaven knows that would be easier. My wife has done this type of things for years and modeled it in her own behavior so it isn't surprising in the least that my eldest has taken these lessons to heart. Sometimes it feels almost like I am doing battle with that little alter-ego of Dr. Evil; Mini-me. She is very much my daughter in appearance and personality but man did she ever draw the short straw with behavior. Of all the traits to inherit from her mom! I want to help her to think about her behavior. Make a conscientious decision to behave. Sometimes she does employ that line of reason and it is a thing of beauty to witness. Other times, she finds it much easier to just slip into the easier persona of a little terror. She is too old to behave in such an out of control fashion. She can throw a full-on tantrum in the most public of places. Man...I just have to sometimes shake my head. They are receiving counseling but I fear it isn't enough to fully address to problem. How do we ever get to the root cause of the behavior? This is frightening to witness. I will continue to try very hard to be as neutral and level-headed in my response as I can possibly manage although I often still fail.

Wife interrogates the kids

During our last visit, I was taking the girls to school when one of my daughters revealed that my wife has been coercing them to give up information about our discussions. Two separate incidents were disclosed. I will be perfectly clear and say right up front that I do not and will not try to extract information about my wife from the kids. That isn't okay.

In the first incident, my wife took away the cell phone I provide to my daughters and wouldn't give it back until my eldest daughter told her what we had spoken about on our last visit. That conversation was my eldest talking about having choices once she turned ten. My wife wasn't going to allow my daughter to get by without fully-disclosing the details of that conversation. My daughter said her mother hounded her to give up all the information. She said she felt like she had no choice because her mother wouldn't leave her alone and refused to give back the cell phone that she has as a direct link to me.

In the course of our conversation that day, my daughter told me she wanted to live with me. I told her that it wasn't possible right now because the judge had already made a custody determination. I didn't encourage her to feel that way. I just told her that I would be thrilled to have her but that it wasn't time for that discussion. She would have to wait for a few years. I told my daughter that *if* she still wanted to live with me in a few years, when she was about ten or so that the judge would be willing to consider her wishes. That is it. Naturally, my wife told my daughter that it wasn't true. We'll see about that when the time comes.

The real award-winning tactic though has to be her telling the girls they had to tell her everything we talked about "or Daddy will get in trouble". Rich, huh? My eldest said she felt like she had to tell my wife everything in order to protect me. Ironic that my wife says she is so concerned for my well-being and not wanting me to get into trouble. This coming from the same person who attacked me and tried to strip away my rights. How dysfunctional can she get? I'm afraid to find out what happens next. Even my youngest daughter, who is five, was interrogated. This madness has to stop. It isn't fair to subject the children to this sort of coercion and intimidation. That is the sort of thing my wife used to reserve only for me. Now that I am not in the house they appear to be fair game. How could my wife behave this way?

Judge granted me a new trial!!!

October is traditionally a month where disasters occur in my life. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. No matter how positive my outlook and the goals I set, it seems October always has my number. This year has been exceptionally bad, dealing with the fallout from this unjust injunction. Finally, a ray of hope has shot over the horizon of November! My attorney called me this morning and said the judgment from before has been vacated. She has placed a temporary injunction but I am one step closer to regaining my place in society. My wife is one step closer to a disaster of her own making. As giddy as I am about the judge's decision, it also pains me to consider the potential ramifications of this trial.

I don't take lightly what is at stake here - I know from firsthand experience how brutal this can be. While I am angry and hurt by what my wife has done to me and our kids with her lies, I still care about her very much. I don't want her to end up in trouble. All I want is my life back, my rights returned and her to get the help she absolutely needs. She was cruel to do this to me but I don't gain anything by seeing her hurt. She will gain little by being punished other than the obvious inconvenience and misery that she can only blame on herself. An actual psychiatric evaluation and a plan of treatment would be the only thing that would have any lasting and beneficial effect.

I am still wondering if she will come to her senses and try to work out a deal. I have so much more evidence and preparation this time around. I went back and did things the legal way this time instead of simply telling the judge what happened like I did the first time. Now I have all my information organized and streamlined. That doesn't bode well for the wife. She doesn't have much she can pin on me but I have years worth of abuse I recorded in my journal that my attorney will help to present. That information along with testimony I and my witnesses have will draw a very compelling picture that more accurately portrays who is the abuser and who has been abused. I am slow but I am not dumb. I have had plenty of time to live with regret about what wasn't said and how I responded. I was lost in the first trial. This time I have my voice and I have a professional to represent my interests. If you are a person who enjoys odds....who do you like better? I'm putting all my chips on myself. I'm all-in and not going to hold anything back. Perhaps my wife will finally stop underestimating me. Only time will tell.

Thoughts on justice

My pastor has been counseling me on thinking in terms of how Christ dealt with injustice and betrayal. He isn't trying to get into specifics of the case as much as simply address the behaviors and emotions I experience throughout this ordeal. He reasons (correctly) that Jesus is the guy that has already been down that road and has been through more and done it with grace and dignity. He forgave the people who did him wrong and it is that forgiveness that we cannot refuse to extend to others. I just don't know how to do it. It is critically important to be able to let go and move on with life but this is something that is always around. I have to deal with the person who did this to me on some level nearly every day. I am limited in the places I can go and the freedom I have to be available to my kids without some sort of legal permission. I don't know if my wife anticipated all of this when she went for the mini-divorce in domestic violence court. I doubt she is entirely thrilled with the outcome of this injunction either. She cannot speak to me because I refuse to listen to her. The injunction will be enforced both directions regardless of the court's findings. She did this so she can suffer along with me. It is our children who sadly must suffer the most. It is sickening.

I cannot lie, I want justice. I want her to be remorseful for what she has done to our family. I want her to feel ashamed and mortified by this evil act she committed on me. It truly feels like she has cut out my tongue. She savagely attacked me and now I am prevented from even confronting her behavior. It is so sad, sick and wrong. Some days I really have a difficult time coping with the reality that has been forced upon me. I expect it will get worse again when I have to start taking 'don't beat your wife' classes every Wednesday beginning next week. That is nothing short of abuse to have to endure such a thing. It is going to cost me $750 to have someone accusing me about being in denial about my violence. How do I make peace with that?

This is all stuff I have said before but it is something I have to live with each and every day. It was a lie from the start and some days I feel like she deserves to rot in hell for what she has done to me and our girls. If I were to publish the journals I have kept chronicling my wife's behavior over the past several years it would turn your stomach. The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to pursue full custody of the girls. I think she can be a good mother when things are going well but I don't trust her. I cannot trust her as long as this lie is hanging over my head. That and if she cannot or will not admit responsibility for what has transpired, how can I trust that she will not repeat the lessons of her past. Her mother beat her, threatened to commit suicide and stalked her father. All in plain view of my wife and her siblings. She has learned this behavior long ago and it hasn't just gone away. It is still there and that scares the hell out of me. I know this sickness is something she didn't ask for but it isn't right that the rest of our family should have to bear her cross while she continues to do damage and threaten the emotional health of our kids. They are so young and impressionable.

Our kids deserve stability and I am their best shot. It pains me to say that. I feel like a girl (especially) needs a mom. The thought of teaching a girl how to be a woman mystifies me. I will do it and do it gladly if I must. She must get help or the behavior will resurface again and again. This is the sort of thing that will never go away until it is dealt with. There is no way she can convince me she has dealt with this anger, violence and instability when she has done the sort of things she has to me.

Perspective promotes healing. Nobody can heal until the wrongs have been righted. At least that is what I perceive to be the case. I hope I am wrong because it could be a very long time before my wife comes clean. Now that she has committed to this path I don't know if she can possibly admit she was wrong without exposing herself. If she will not own up to it, I'm going to come after the truth in court and I pray justice will finally prevail.


I just don't think I will be able to rest until this has been resolved. The cut is far too deep to heal anytime soon. It pains me to say it but forgiveness still feels like a far off land. I wonder what my girls will think one day when they start asking questions about what happened between their mother and me. I would never use this as a weapon but it is factual and it is going to strongly portray my side of the story. I pity my wife when that day comes. She will not only have to answer to me, she will have to answer to her daughters. That will not be a pleasant conversation.

Go ahead honey, make my day!

My wife was kind enough to abandon all of my belongings at our old house when she moved this past weekend. I need to now arrange for a truck and an additional storage unit for all my extra stuff. I don't need the things she left - for the most part it is garage stuff that is nice to have when you have a garage. Right now I don't even have a home is it will not be doing me much good. She did leave me most of the things I said I wanted which was a good idea. It leaves us less to argue about in the divorce.

Now we can focus on the larger issues of custody and her slanderous assault on my character. I cannot wait to have our day in court. It would almost be anticlimactic to make a deal outside of court for her to recant her testimony. Something tells me she will be foolish enough to press her luck. I almost hope she does. While I don't wish for anybody to have to deal with the hell I have been through, I'd love to be able to expose her evil side to the world. Let there be no doubt of what she is and what she has done. She has destroyed our family with her unstable and downright mean behavior. Now that I have the benefit of an outstanding witness and a no-nonsense attorney, custody of my girls is entirely possible. That would be the best thing for them. I'm no genius when it comes to kids but I am a good dad. I know my girls quite well, I am level-headed and I love them more than life itself. If living with the agony of my wife's instability and rage all these years doesn't prove that, I don't know what else ever would.

I am angry with my wife and certainly have every right to be but I am not a monster. I don't want her to have to go through life with a black mark on her record. That would serve nobody well, especially my children. With her aspiring to be a teacher, it would be an instant death-sentence. No school will hire a batterer. She deserves to be punished but I would rather this not happen. I would prefer she get the help she needs, admit what she has done to me and become a better person. Everyone would benefit from that arrangement. I am still trying to forgive but I will NEVER forget. I have every right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

Lost thirty pounds

I stepped onto the scale this morning and got confirmation that I have lost thirty pounds since this all began. I had lost a few prior to the injunction because I was dissatisfied with my state of health. Nothing like losing your arse to help you lose your appetite as well. I have been focused on eating quality food instead of quantity, avoiding 'bad' carbohydrates and drinking more water. It is working. I feel much better, physically speaking. It never hurts to have something positive to hold onto during one of life's greatest trials. I am hopeful that starting a regular exercise regimen will help to drop more fat and add back muscle I have lost over the past ten years. I used to be cut. Not quite ripped but definitely cut and could run fifteen miles without much trouble. Before meeting my wife, I had been training for a marathon. That all changed as we played house and got into being a couple. My weight steadily increased the first few years and then really blew up once we started having children. I went from 185 pounds to 258. I am not proud of those numbers but now that I am down into the 220's, I feel better and am starting to get just a little of my self-image back. Lose another twenty and I'll be feeling quite well. Food used to be a source of comfort and a momentary escape. No longer. I refuse to spend another day feeling powerless to make lasting, positive changes in my life. At the pool this afternoon, my youngest came up and put her hands on either side of my waist and looked up at me and said, "There isn't so much of you to grab anymore, Daddy." Remind me to give that kid a raise in her allowance.

Missing the old days

A random thought occurred to me just now. I happened to walk into the room where my computer is placed and saw a photo on the slide show screen saver of my wife with our youngest daughter when she was nearly a year old. We were in New England visiting her family. I miss the simplicity of those times. We were poor but we were at least certain in our relationship. This was before things began to deteriorate between us. There had already been some real nasty fights and emotional blackmail incidents but they were not nearly as frequent as they have been the past several years. We were so caught up in taking care of a young baby and an active toddler that we sort of overlooked our relationship and allowed our problems to get swept under the rug. That was a huge mistake as the slights I experienced during those years came back to haunt us both. I had felt abandoned and left to fend for myself at that time. It doesn't matter how many books you read, there is no adequate preparation for the change in your life you experience once you've had kids. Especially when you go from one to two. The power of young children in relationship to their parents is exponential. With one child, the two parents are up to the task because they outnumber the kid. Even outnumbering the child leaves you exhausted. Once you have two children things really get out of hand. It was as if we were totally outnumbered. We were tired. We were poor. I begged my wife to get a job and help me with the finances. She analyzed everything to death and said she couldn't do it because it just wouldn't be possible. That really broke the dam with me.

Five years later, things finally ground to a halt. After choosing to have me thrown out of our home like last week's garbage, my wife now has to deal with the reality I have faced each day for the past ten years: You must work if you want to keep the lights on and food on the table. I don't know what she is going to do to make it. She is definitely going to have to grow up in a hurry and embrace reality. Reality is bearing down on her like a bull to a matador's red cape. Why on earth did she do it this way. The worst thing she could have done, tactically speaking, is to force me out of the home before she had her career established. Seeking this injunction was absolutely premeditated. What was there to gain? Why attempt to destroy another person and create such bad blood? Am I not still the father of our children? Will we not still have to find a way to work together to parent the kids? How could she have done such a monstrous thing? The more I contemplate this debacle, the more I am confused.

Time to get to sleep. I hope the addition of Melatonin to my diet will help me get some rest. I have continued to be plagued by terrible dreams of disaster and misfortune. The dreams don't always revolve around this mess with my wife but mostly they do. At times it becomes bad enough that I don't want to sleep. I wish this could all just go away. I wish my wife could have learned to deal with her emotions so we could still be together. I need stability in my relationships and that has been missing for a very long time. I've toed the line for so many years I forgot that what I needed counted for anything but an afterthought. I am large and physically strong but have always felt like a fresh bone in the mouth of a hungry junkyard dog when it comes to my wife. I have felt like property and not like an individual who is respected and cherished. Being prized isn't the same thing as being cherished. Being an asset isn't the same thing as being a life partner, lover and friend. Back in the days when that photo was taken, there were enough good times that it seemed like we had hope. In the end, ten years of being together has brought two absolutely stunning daughters. That counts for a great deal. I was telling the girls just tonight as I tucked them into bed that they are my first love, last love and forever love. They thought that was funny. My youngest looked at me funny and asked if that would be true when I am an old guy. I assured them that they would be what was on my mind as I drew my last breath (hopefully as a very old guy). I assured them that if I were an old dude then they would be old, too. They thought that was hysterical. They cannot imagine being old - ever. Good for them. I envy them for that sort of mindset.

Sleepless but dealing...

We had some violent thunderstorms a few days ago that woke me up around 4:00 a.m. I swear, I hate the early morning hours. I have the most terrible dreams. I will lie in bed, not even awake, for an eternity with my subconscious mind scaring the hell out of me about some aspect of the DVI or whatever it is my wife might be plotting. Today, I was grinding over what will happen to my stuff and how will I find a way to ever get our affairs resolved so I can get on with my life. I dreamed that my stuff was left at the old house and she provided me the key to go get it and then informed the judge I had gone to the house that I was specifically forbidden to enter. The fact that she had already moved didn't matter. I was still in trouble.

It is so stupid but I cannot stop my subconscious from going over different scenarios of how I am going to be in trouble or how she will find a way to set me up for failure next. It is misery. My attorney submitted documents to the court Friday, a week and a half ago to re-open my the case against me and the complaint I filed against my wife. I wish I knew whether or not the judge will agree to hear the case again. My attorney said it could take a few months to learn the outcome. There is much to be done in the meantime. I just need to be able to let go of the things I cannot control. They are out of my hands so grinding over 'what-if?' scenarios will do nothing but wear me down.

The only way to get beyond this nightmare is to just plow through it. If the judge declines then I suppose that will be my answer and I will have to find a way to just bite the bit and get on with life and try to set the bitterness aside. It is cruel to attack someone in such a malicious manner. I hope God gives her a just reward. I'm sorry I have been dwelling on this subject so much. It has overtaken my life and is an incredible distraction. If I had done something wrong, at least I could have blamed myself for making my own problems. In this case, I an innocent man judged to be guilty. I am trying to deal with it the best I can but sometimes it just gets to be too much. Unfortunately, my medical insurance does not cover counseling so I will be forced to drop a pretty hefty dime if I want to have a guided self-conversation. Perhaps it is time to go to Borders and peruse the self-help section. I really need to do something because the nightmares and the bitterness aren't going away. I know this is temporary and that I am just trying to grapple with my perceptions of unfairness. I'm not losing my mind. It is simply a matter of trying to accept the unacceptable. I know the routine of counseling enough to know that you have to talk about your feelings (like I am right now), reflect on your conclusions and choose to accept things as they are or to make positive changes. Forgive those who torment you and learn to accept that you cannot change anyone but yourself. I know all of these things but I just have to actually apply this knowledge. Therapy would be fine but I am strong enough to get through this with the help of good friends, plenty of time and the willingness to continue learning about myself. Reading books such as 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl help to bring perspective as well as a good kick in the butt. How can I feel too sorry for myself when my suffering is trivial compared to others?

A good friend said he had been thinking a lot about this struggle of mine and found a most interesting parallel. It is that of Jesus himself. I didn't know what to think if that revelation at first but as he continued speaking, it made more sense. He reasoned that how could Jesus be real to us unless he had suffered every injustice known to man only much worse than we could have experienced? He was perfected in his suffering and ultimate sacrifice. I'm not trying to be preachy here but the parallel exists. My friend said this situation was strikingly familiar to Christ's betrayal. People who had been like brothers denied they even knew Him. People who had been welcoming Him with open arms just days before were ready to stone Him. He was mocked and slandered. As we all know, ultimately He was put to death for crimes He did not commit. Again, just like Frankl, the example teaches that no matter what you are dealing with there is an example of someone before you who has gone through it with grace who was probably more righteous than you. There is a way out. It might not be comfortable and you might get cut to ribbons on the way out but you will get out. I will get beyond this. Things will get better. Even if my name is never cleared of these battery charges, they will not define me. That is up to me - not my wife.

Being the man my girls need me to be

I was reviewing the past few entries on my blog and came across this:
I asked our third-party contact to get an answer from my wife about how the kids were told about the separation, the injunction and the inevitable divorce. What was spoken to them and what were their questions? Did they cry? Were they surprised? Given all the harsh words spoken so casually over the recent months I have to think they weren't all that surprised in some ways. Still, there is nothing more shocking than to be informed that everything is now different and there will be no turning back. That is huge. I deserve to know what was said. It is unconscionable that I was not included in the discussion but how can I honestly be surprised? God giveth and my wife taketh away.

To her credit, my wife did discuss counseling and I appreciate her efforts. What she didn't explain that I really feel that I need to know is what is stated above. Who was there? What was spoken? Did they cry? Being excluded from major decisions and milestones in their lives is so painful. My youngest daughter came home with me tonight and casually pulled back her lower lip to reveal a missing tooth. That hurt. I was their tooth fairy. I always made a big deal about lost teeth and made certain to get something really fun for them as a gift left beneath their pillow. Not only was I not able to perform my self-appointed duty, I also wasn't even told about it. This was the first tooth she ever lost. I get the sense that my children are gradually slipping away from me. It hurts me so badly to think this way.

The girls are with me tonight and it is so pleasureable to see their innocent faces as they sleep in their beds. This is the way it used to be all the time. I'm their dad. Dad's are supposed to do their job and do anything - suffer any torment to protect his kids (and wife). That is no longer an option. I have been reduced to the role of 'fun dad'. I want to be more than an entertainment coordinator and an ATM machine.They don't use me but they don't understand what my finances are like. They also don't seem to understand that I am still their parent and I am calling the shots when they are with me.

A profound thought just occurred to me; Will I be replaced? Will some other man raise my girls?! I cannot imagine how difficult it could be to accept for all of us. The girls have expressed reservations about either of us remarrying. Obviously, anything like that is the furthest consideration in both our minds. The thought of doing this again will likely keep me on the straight and narrow for a mighty long time.

Life is precious, time is short. Do something significant. I will choose to love these little girls with all my heart and would gladly lay down my life for them. I will even choose to love my wife no matter what she has done to me. I hold no hope for us returning to being a couple. The betrayal cut me so deeply that I will always live in fear of her. My desire to keep my family intact has been tested numerous times over the past several years. No amount of abuse, harassment, arguing or any other manipulation tactic did not make me weaken and leave. I always had a pledge to my daughters that I repeated constantly when they were tiny babies was that "Daddy loves you so much, honey, and nothing will ever tear us apart. I promise I will NEVER leave you (the way my dad left me)"

I still tell them both those words at bedtime but I fear they don't believe me the way they used to. How do I slay a dragon to rescue these fair maidens? I refuse to shrink back into the shadows and become small. I will always want to be their daddy -- the one they know. The one who will never shy away from hard work. The one who will sacrifice himself for the benefit of his family. The one who is the strongest, funniest, coolest daddy who must be ten-feet tall. I still want to be that guy in their life they believe in. If all else fails they should be able to count on their dad to be there. To teach them valuable life lessons so that when I am not around they know what is expected and they understand why.

Forgot I was single for a moment

One of the luxuries (if you can call it that) of camping out at my parents' house is not really dealing with some of the simple and mundane chores like grocery shopping. Normally I either find something out or just don't eat. I've not had much of an appetite for quite some time. Anyway, tomorrow is the start of my weekend with the girls. The last time they came over for a weekend, I hadn't gone to the grocery store for their normal foods. I felt badly about it and we had different things and it turned out fine. This week, I was determined to do things right and get them the sort of things they love. Before I knew it, I had spent over a hundred dollars on groceries for two little girls for their weekend visit. When I got home and started unloading the bags I realized what I had done. I had done the normal grocery shopping I always did for our family. I did it without thinking. It was just so normal and natural do pick out all the things I used to purchase. I got favorites for my kids and even my wife. When I realized what I had done I had to kind of laugh at myself but, at the same time, it made me sad. As angry as I am with my wife, I miss her. I miss my family. I miss having a home and working in the yard. I miss my life - the one I used to call my own. Mostly, I miss belonging somewhere. That is a longing that isn't likely to go away easily. I wonder if it will ever feel okay to be alone.

I enjoy having my space but not like this. Isolation isn't good for a person. I adore having the opportunity to pursue my interests, which I haven't done in years, but it isn't much fun when you don't have someone to share those things with. It will be good to have the girls around. I always feel so much better when they are here. No matter how exhausting they can be, there is no place I'd rather be than playing with my kids or reading them stories. Yes, tomorrow is going to be a very good day.

Redefining life

I don't know what to make of life. I don't know how to live without the people and things I grew to accept as part of my everyday life. The world as I know it to be has been irretrievably shattered and now I am trying to pick up the pieces and create a life that is separate and apart from my family. Who am I? What activities do I occupy my time with now that I have all the time in the world? How do I find fulfillment? How and when will life ever feel normal and complete? I feel almost as if I have simply been erased out of my own life. How and when does that feeling go away? Does it take weeks? How about years? I am relieved to finally be separated from my wife, whom has tormented me for years. I am not relived to be so isolated. I enjoy having personal space but not at the expense of my daughters. I hope my soon to be ex is enjoying the silence as much as I am. This is what she sought.

Our third-party point of contact has thrown his hands up in frustration and essentially quit. That leaves us with no way to communicate some of the things outside that kids that need to be dealt with like financial matters, insurance, picking up my remaining belongings once she moves out of our house, etc... What a mess. I am sorry for his frustration but what other way to we have to communicate? The court quickly grew bored with us and washed its hands of the matter so long as I obey the judge's order. She did what she had to do, I suppose, but it leaves me in a very difficult position of not being able to communicate vital information.

Staying strong

I have to admit I have been feeling very sympathetic to my wife's trials as a single parent with too-little income. It is easy to fall into the mindset that she is the victim here. She is not. The snap of the gym towel on my buttocks is the memory of the police coming into my office to read me the riot act, nice and loud, in front of my colleagues. Everyone in my office knows there is a domestic violence restraining order in effect on me. If there was even a shred of truth to it I would be man enough to admit it and take my lumps. I have taken them plenty of times before. In this case, I did absolutely nothing in the way of violence towards my wife. She did this as a quick route to divorce and forcing me to leave my children and home. She got what she asked for and now she has to deal with the consequences that come with isolating yourself from your breadwinner. I didn't ask for any of this to be thrust upon me. I was willing to go the distance with my wife and raise our daughters together as partners and friends so long as she was willing not to assail me or continue with her violent, erratic behavior. I just wanted her to behave normally. I wasn't looking for her to be witty, charming and to have my dinner ready along with my pipe and newspaper as I walked in the front door after work.

If anyone is the victim here it is our children. They don't understand what is happening and they have no say in what happens to them. Talk about unfair. At least I can decide what I do with myself from this point forward. They don't even have that luxury. I have resolved to be as professional, detached and businesslike as possible when it comes to dealing with this divorce. I will not be overly-emotional even though I have moments where my emotions test my resolve to be cool. No need to get worked up about this any longer. What end will that serve? I need to be firm but fair, kind but not a kind-hearted fool. She is, after all, the woman who testified in court that she was afraid for her safety because of me. She is the one who deliberately destroyed my reputation and stole my God-given rights. The same rights I served in the military for five long years to preserve. The consequences are not going to be comfortable in the short term. I hope and pray things get easier for her and she can find a way to stand on her own two feet. Even though I am not allowed to utter so much as a single word to her, I wish her every success in life.

Tough times

My kids are a wreck. My oldest is really torn apart about this separation and the loss of her sense of family. She told me tonight she overheard her mom talking on the phone, saying she needed $250 just to keep the electricity on. Her car is going back to the bank, the rent is unpaid, the car insurance is unpaid and only God knows what else is next to come. It is bad. My daughter has really clung to anything she associates with me. She asked me in her sweet and innocent seven-year-old way if the night light I gave her will continue to light her room if the electricity goes off. She looks at that light as a tangible connection to me and a symbol of our relationship. What else will happen to her and our youngest? They are having to confront some very ugly realities that little kids should never have to know about. I worked round the clock for weeks on end to keep the bills payed and ensure their comfort. Now, that is all in jeopardy thanks to my wife's decision to cut the head off the golden goose. She doesn't have a full-time job. She barely has a part-time job. My kids are suffering from her inability to get and maintain a real job. She is an intelligent, articulate college-educated woman. I would have gladly lived under a bridge to support them had things ended honorably.

Because of the way my wife coldly manipulated the system to obtain 'justice' for herself, my kids are now wondering if their night light will work when the power is shut off. This is all so very sad and was unnecessary. Why would she do something like this without having some sort of solid plan? She had time to carefully consider her actions and she decided to execute her plan. She got the big 'bang' she was looking for in court and successfully obtained a restraining order against me. The judge granted me excellent visitation and effectively barred her from removing the kids from the area and/or denying me visitation pending the outcome of a divorce. Seems like she got everything she asked for but none of what she actually wanted. Why? Why would she do this? What purpose did it serve in the end? All my wife succeeded in doing was alienating her primary source of income and placing herself in severe financial jeopardy. I am beginning to feel sorry for her more than I am angry. She clearly didn't consider the outcome of her plan well enough.

I will always have a home for my kids where they can receive the love and support (and utilities) they need. They deserve consistency that has been denied. All to serve the ends of one person. We are all suffering so my wife can have her moment in the spotlight. She got it and now she is getting the bill for this betrayal. I haven't had to do a thing to bring about the consequences of her action. Life has a way of rewarding the deserving, I suppose. I wish her well in her new life and I honestly do pray she will find a way to pull herself together and provide for our daughters. I also pray she maintains her composure through all this adversity and learns some valuable lessons that she will carry with her the rest of her years. I don't mean that in any sort of nasty way. I do want her to have a good life but before she can do that I think she has to address the wreckage she created for our family.

Concerns about the kids

The girls are over for the weekend and have been a real handful. My youngest is clingy and my oldest is hell on wheels. She has been quite abrasive and argumentative. I am at a loss as to how to give them structure, discipline, fun and love all in the span of four days. It is definitely challenging. Even though this part is difficult, it feels so good just to have my kids with me and to feel something close to 'normal'. There is a large hole in our family now that my wife and I are separated. It is difficult to feel complete and like a nuclear family when we do things together. Now 'all of us' is just three when it was always four only a few weeks ago. My oldest is so angry. She needs to be able to express her feelings before the anger turns inward and possibly leads to depression. Not sure how we are going to handle things but something must be done.

I asked our third-party contact to get an answer from my wife about how the kids were told about the separation, the injunction and the inevitable divorce. What was spoken to them and what were their questions? Did they cry? Were they surprised? Given all the harsh words spoken so casually over the recent months I have to think they weren't all that surprised in some ways. Still, there is nothing more shocking than to be informed that everything is now different and there will be no turning back. That is huge. I deserve to know what was said. It is unconscionable that I was not included in the discussion but how can I honestly be surprised? God giveth and my wife taketh away.

Sometimes the silence can be deafening

The girls are over for a visit this weekend. It is so good to see and be with them again. I put one girl in each bedroom which leaves me with no place to hang out. I remembered needing to find a few items that are missing and possibly packed in the boxes I was allowed to remove from my old house. With plenty of time on my hands, I started going through each box's contents. Memories of the past ten years flooded my mind. There were pictures from happier times, old cards from special occasions, notes back and forth to my wife and pictures of the kids from when they were babies. Pictures from a time when I thought the future would be bright and when I saw us growing old together, raising our daughters and eventually living a prosperous life filled with love and friendship. I don't like to admit it but I cried like a girl. It is devastating to see your life and home packed away in boxes. There is no turning back now. My wife slammed the door shut on reconciliation when she betrayed me and used the court system to attack me and destroy my reputation.

I'm sure she convinced herself she had no choice. I don't understand how that could be. If nothing else, I am a gentle soul who cares deeply about his kids and their welfare. I care about my wife's welfare as well. I don't want any of us to suffer or be victimized by the brutality of the separation process. Before the betrayal, I would have damn near lived under a bridge in order to allow my wife to have every advantage at making it without me. While the marriage was obviously in very bad shape, I have never stopped caring about and for my wife. She is the mother of our kids and my partner for the past then years. Of course I love her. Of course I am concerned for her well-being. Why did she have to make things ten-times worse by going about ending the marriage in such a spectacular and public way? Why couldn't she have done it with some class and dignity? Aren't we all deserving of at least that?

I wasn't there when my kids were told we were divorcing. I have no idea how it was presented. I don't know how to help them get though this very difficult time in their lives. Do they really believe they can count on me to be there for them? I disappeared out of their lives one day so how can they honestly believe I will not simply disappear once again, leaving them alone to deal with their pain? Before all this happened, I used to relish an opportunity for silence. Now, I would give almost anything to not be exposed to so much of it. I crave peace and tranquility but it is nearly impossible to find when your life is so out of balance and you have no roots. I believed I would have these girls under my roof until the day I dropped them off at some university at eighteen years of age. Living with the knowledge that this will not be the case sears my heart. How do I get beyond this? How do I ever find a 'new' normal (whatever that is)?
Will this insomnia ever go away?

Decision time

Time to make some large decisions about how to go forward and deal with this injunction and upcoming divorce proceedings.

One of my two daughters is quite ill but I cannot call her mom to find out what it is that was normal over the course of this illness she is suffering. She might be worse than she was before but I dare not violate the injunction because I just know my spouse will pound me with it. What a lovely thing to saddle your kid with. My daughter gets to suffer because we can't do something as basic as discuss her health. Nice.

Carrying my wife's cross

Remember in the movie, "The Passion of the Christ" where some poor slob who happened to be strong-looking was pulled out of the crowd and forced to drag the cross up the Roman Road for Jesus because He could no longer carry it alone? That is what this day reminded me of, at least a little bit. My wife is the one whom has hit me and been verbally abusive over the years but I am the one who had to endure the humiliation of going to Domestic Violence Intervention class today. Today I only had to meet with the counselor. He treated me like absolute garbage. He instantly appeared to assume that I must be another wife-beater. He was snide and abrupt. He kept making comments under his breath about me trying to be evasive and not telling the truth about what happened. I know that is not a place where you want to get into a shouting match. I did, however, stand my ground.

I asked the counselor why he was so quick to judge me. He said there must be a reason I was ordered to go to the class. I said, "Yes there is, in fact, a reason I am here. My wife has gotten away with abusing me for years but then decided to turn me in for supposed abuse after I told her I wanted a divorce because I couldn't take it any longer." He didn't seem all that convinced at first but as he went through the questionnaire covering background, previous legal infractions and history of violence, it appeared he began to reconsider. His tone and demeanor changed markedly by the end of the interview. I know everyone is assumed guilty when a judge says they are guilty but there are probably lots of guys who have been railroaded in this manner as well. The counselor asked me why I just took the abuse. I told him I didn't start out realizing how bad it could get. I stayed because I knew the chance to obtain custody of our kids would be exceedingly slim. I stayed to be a buffer and protect them. I stayed thinking I could somehow help my wife to behave differently by reasoning and reinforcing positive behaviors. He wasn't impressed that I had stayed in a relationship that was abusive because it was bad for the children. Hey dude, I understand that. It is so easy to sit in judgment of another person's life when you have the benefit of being an armchair quarterback. It is another thing altogether when you are slowly immersed into an abusive relationship. The abuse started very subtly at first. It was mild manipulation through pouting or perhaps a few tears. Over the years it progressed to arguing and sulking for days or threats of humiliation . The final outcome was outright screaming and aggressive confrontation after all other forms of protest had been exhausted.

I also incorrectly reasoned that I am a big guy and I am not scared that a woman one-hundred pounds lighter than me is going to do me serious harm. That was true except for when I slept. That fear was always in the back of my mind. One night, my wife charged into our room where I had been asleep and started screaming and hitting me. My infraction you ask? I had the nerve to email an old high school friend I was close to and entitle the message "hard day". I had just been through hell on earth with my wife harassing me for the better part of an entire weekend. Again, I will admit that I am not the poster child for Perfect Husbands of America. I acted out against her tyranny by doing things I knew aggravated her because I felt like I had to do something to stand up to her bullying. I don't want to claim any excuse for my actions. They are what they are and I could have been more sensitive to my wife's needs for security and reinforcement. I was simply tired and frustrated from dealing with her contentious ways month after month, year after year.

This injunction, while not criminal, might well follow me the rest of my life as a permanent judgment on my record. If I were ever to seek a high-level job this injunction will almost definitely show up on my record. That will be something I can be proud to share with a potential employer. I know I keep moaning about the injustice but it just keeps hammering away at me. I am the victim, for crying out loud! Why doesn't that make any difference? Where do I go for justice? Who even cares enough to listen? This is frustrating me. Time to go to bed and let this nightmare drift out of my mind for now.

Dear Pastor, God smacked me so you don't have to!

Today I met my good friend (and pastor) for an early morning breakfast. We spoke about all sorts of things and generally had a good visit. It wasn't until we were walking out into the parking lot that I became rather angry with my wife. I was embarrassed to have to ask him to act as our intermediary. He is extremely busy with his family and pastoral duties but was gracious to take on this burden as well. It was humiliating to have to ask my friend for this favor. It it so unnecessary. After sending a few strongly-worded drafts of what I wanted him to tell her here is the final product that I just emailed him a few minutes ago:

"Hey man,
After spending the better part of the day hurt and upset about how myself and the girls have been done wrong, I felt a nudge to go back to the scripture I discussed with you this morning:
"This is the kind of life you have been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step by step. 'He never did one thing wrong, not once said anything amiss.' They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls."

(1 Peter 2:21-24)

This by no means lessens the way I feel about the situation but I don't need to worry about taking care of business that belongs to God. I don't understand what she is thinking or how she can convince herself things are how she sees them. The truth is absolute and she is going to come to it somewhere in the future. That doesn't do me a bit of good as I spend an hour and a half each week for over seven months, carrying her cross up the hill. I don't know how to do that without extreme bitterness. She turned me in for fear of battery when she has battered me many times over the years and I just took it. How can I go through this with a light heart and a joyful spirit? How can I not hate? This injustice, temporary as it may be, has rattled me to the core. I have lost my faith in my wife's sense of decency and humanity. That will likely never be fully restored no matter what she does or says in the future. As you know, I will readily admit to being less than a model husband and that I have done hurtful things to her. Where do I go from here?

If you haven't sent any of my response to her yet (and I doubt you have given the evident anger in my words) please simply tell her: ' I am too hurt to negotiate anything with her. I will stick with what the court directs and hope she can understand how I feel that it is impossible to interact with her on any level. I don't want to hear her voice on the phone, see her face or in any way be reminded of her. I cannot and will not allow a one-way injunction. It is going to go both ways for the duration of the restraining order. I will honor her wishes even though mine were never considered. I feel hurt and attacked and don't know how long it will take me to recover from the blow. Perhaps never.'


Those are still strong words but I just don't need to be hateful. That will not accomplish anything good or lasting. Regardless of how I feel, I need to be bigger than that. Good old Saint Peter kicked me in the butt with God's words of wisdom. They are absolutely correct. This isn't about her. I cannot change her heart. Only God can do that. Whether or not she changes, I will change. I will grow and I will forgive, in time.


all my best,

- D."

I want to be above my petty desire to avenge the injustice of this incident and just get on with living the life God intends me to lead. I don't understand how God would have intentions for somebody who got married, had kids and then divorced. No matter what, we are all flawed and all deserve to be loved and respected as beautiful and unique individuals. When the Big Guy opens his wallet, I know my picture is somewhere in one of those plastic sleeves even if I have succeeded in very little during my time on this planet. Our daughters are always going to be our most significant contribution to a sad world. They are both absolute rays of sunshine. They are smart, funny and beautiful. There is no love like that of being a parent. Every day I am separated from those two beauties is pure hell. Thursday comes around every week and I get them for an overnight visit. That is the high-water mark of my entire week. A very good friend offered to take me to see our favorite football team in a sky box seat this Sunday. I didn't have to even think twice when I graciously turned him down. As much as I love football it just doesn't matter when my girls are in the picture. Tell me who won, buddy!

Violence, regrets and acceptance

I received some thoughtful advice from a reader about leaving myself exposed to being taken out of context in any future court proceedings by having words about rage and hate included in my blog. I don't want to take away from the genuine feelings I have expressed here by redacting things that might be taken out of context. I will be plain and simple in stating that I am not a violent person. I can experience tremendous depths of emotion but I do not think there is any excuse for violence. I abhor violence in the home. No argument is worth me going to jail or violating my principles of non-violence. I am not some sort of girly-man who just allows himself to be pushed around. I will always stand up for what is right but each of us must respect the limitations to what is appropriate during a dispute.

I would never hurt my wife. That she claims to be afraid of me hurts me a great deal. I don't know why she would say such a terrible thing. Even though we were headed towards divorce, there is no excuse for saying damaging things. To me that is evidence that she isn't exercising right thinking. I am afraid for her. She hasn't crossed a bridge in this life that she hasn't burned in her wake. When I announced I was through with all of it (arguments, abuse, harassment, etc...) she followed the normal pattern of behavior and burned me. After some time of reflection I cannot say I am all that surprised. I am hurt but not surprised. As the father of her children, I expected she would have respected my role in their lives and handled the divorce with dignity and grace. We both have been fighting for and against one another for years and we are both exhausted. We have issues of forgiveness that go back almost to the day we met. They have grown and festered into some kind of monster that has a life of its own. It is just so sad and unnecessary. All she has succeeded in doing was isolating herself. I am strong and I will go on with my life. She has cut me to shreds but I will heal. Will she? She has created tremendous bad will by this act of betrayal. I will forgive her in time but I don't know if I can ever have a good relationship with her ever again.

If she were half the Christian she strives to be, she'd fall down on her knees in front of our church (the one I am not allowed to attend because of the restraining order) and confess she has manipulated this mole hill into a mountain. She should confess that she thrives on chaos and desperately needs to feel loved and cared for and is willing to do damn near anything to get that love. It is understandable to have a hole in your heart and crave affection and acceptance. We all have that need to one degree or another but it crosses the line when you use another person as a burnt offering in order to get that reinforcing attention. She needs to come to terms with this overpowering need. I suspect that the realization of what she has done will gnaw at her conscience until it finally breaks her. I don't need to confront her. That would serve no purpose but to have her reinforce her position and to go back to the source of those feelings that began this debacle. In conclusion, I am sad. I am sad for both of us. I am more sad for her because I am going to heal and make a full recovery. She will have a choice to make whenever the crushing guilt overwhelms her: she will either decide to come back from the brink of this destructive personality or she will decide to embrace it and forever be damaged and never be able to have a healthy and happy relationship the rest of her life.

These are serious times. I think this is her defining moment. I have decided that I am going to be a survivor. I have already learned so much about myself from this process. The healing is already underway for me. I will not allow my thoughts to be focused on revenge and retribution. That is wasted emotion. I would rather love her (from a distance) as a wonderful but flawed soul. I wish I could have come to this understanding years ago. Perhaps I could have seen her for the person she is and not the person I wanted her to be. Or the person I thought she was. That wasn't fair of me but I just didn't understand at the time what it was that drove her behavior. I wonder if I could have saved her from herself? We all have to accept responsibility for our actions and I have made enough mistakes to fill a large book. I regret them all. It is a heavy burden to bear, knowing you have played a role in someone else's destruction. I did it mostly unwittingly. I knew I wasn't giving her what she wanted most. I didn't feel like I was capable of showing her unconditional love. I was angry and bitter for the way I perceived I had been mistreated. We both made many mistakes and I accept responsibility for mine.

I just got off the phone with a good friend. We spoke about living with regrets and the importance of letting go of those regrets so they aren't allowed to control you. I likened my regrets to ugly furniture tucked away in the den of my home. I would hate for company to see the plaid 1970's recliner I have laid in all these years but it is comfortable and I have taken up residence in its confines (metaphorically speaking - I do have taste). I had a life with my wife that was only a part of me. There was another part of me that was nearly as vivid and real as the person she saw those ten years. That other part of me was beneath the surface. It was my thought life. In that other identity, I harbored (and still do) many regrets. Also found there were anger, bitterness, melancholy and some degree of hopelessness. Many a shattered dream kept me company in my own private Idaho. I wish I could have been more open about this other part of my personality but I never trusted my wife enough to let it all out. I think she intuitively understood that and resented me for it all these years. I have always held back. She knows me so well in so many ways but in others, she doesn't know me at all. While I was discussing the metaphorical den of ugliness, I said I really wanted to clean it out and stop living with all this baggage and their side-effects. My friend made a great suggestion and opined that I should 'burn it'. Perhaps I ought to take the time to write out all the regrets I can think of, the things I am guilty about, the shame, the unforgiveness and my anger. I could write each of those things on my list on separate sheets of paper and attach each one to a stick of wood and build a fire. I'd start out with the smaller slights and hurts and use those as kindling and then work up to the progressively larger hurts. I could carefully and considerately read then throw each one onto the fire until they are all gone. I don't know if it would take anything away but I am a conceptual person. I need to somehow be able to 'see' something in my mind before I can fully embrace the paradigm. This is just a thought but I am enjoying the concept. It will likely take me weeks or even months to fully document the crap in my closet. That's okay. I have nothing but time these days. May we all sleep well tonight.

Forgiveness (part 3) and letting go

I had a good day today. I am beginning to take some proactive steps to shift my life in a new direction. I was able to get some pretty decent furniture quite inexpensively today. It is modest and by no means as nice as the furnishings in the house that I was just frog-marched out of a few weeks ago. It still felt good to be taking the initial steps towards reestablishing my identity and taking responsibility for both my present and my future. I have no idea where I am going to live but I will figure that out pretty soon. My fear is that the silence of living alone might be deafening. I am so accustomed to living in chaos and a place of boisterous play and laughter that I am concerned I might slip backwards and have to deal with even more sadness and feelings of isolation. I miss my girls so much. They can make me crazy but I find I like the way they make me feel even when they are misbehaving. It is good to feel alive and they definitely help me to feel that way.

I am still hanging onto the concept of forgiveness. I think I have fully experienced the emotions of hate, bitterness and rage. If I dwell upon them much longer they will simply drag me down preventing me from seeking happiness and living a better life. I know I will have to make a conscientious decision to forgive even if my wife isn't seeking forgiveness. She clearly believes she is justified in her actions although I am astonished that she could actually believe such outright lies. Knowing her the way I do, she had to convince herself she was afraid of me - afraid I would harm her so she could look the judge in the eye and say it under oath. She lied through her teeth. I have never laid a hand on her in anger. I have never struck, kicked or jerked her in any way. In spite of this, she seems convinced I was going to hurt her. How does a rational person reach this mindset? How does a moral person tell a lie of this magnitude? Is it a bargaining process designed to achieve the greater good? I wish I understood. The only thing I know is I pity her and am deeply saddened by the loss of goodwill in spite of our marital difficulties. I have always treated her kindly even when we were in the worst of times. She could always count on me being courteous and friendly so long as she treated me with even a shred of civility. The only time I became nasty is when she would attack me or badger me. We could have gone on for years living peacefully and even friendly if she would have simply returned my kindness and been willing to accept that we weren't ever going to be star-crossed lovers. I loved her but didn't feel that deep and abiding love for her that she felt she deserved.

She thrives on chaos and controversy. She craves attention more than anyone I know. Combine those characteristics and you have the makings of a person who can have moments of extreme emotions. I do sincerely believe she is a threat to our kids and is mentally ill. She needs to be evaluated and treated. Without me to be there for our kids she is bound to lash out at them next. She needs somebody to control. She needs somebody to vent her frustrations on. Now that she has chosen to get rid of me through such dastardly means she is on her own. There will likely not be another person to take my place for quite some time. She is probably so caught up in the limelight of the moment, being the heroine and victim who will do absolutely anything to protect her kids from the bad man that she will have a mighty difficult time coping with the inevitable letdown of a dying controversy. People will grow bored, the justice system will adjudicate the matter and then we will all go on with our lives. Then what will she do? How will she stoke the fires of controversy next?

I must make a decision to not allow her cruelty to make me suffer any longer. The longer I focus on the injustice of it all, the longer I give her my permission to make me suffer. I wanted away from her and I am glad to have separation. It is a relief after ten-plus years of ever-increasing episodes of depression, rage and occasional violence. The way in which it was done is what hurts me the most. The fact that I am now legally compelled to take violence classes is a weekly hour and a half reminder of who it was that put me there. I have twenty-nine weeks to think about what she has done to me. I don't want revenge so much as I want to confront her with the damage she has done to me. That is somewhat selfish of me, I suppose. I am trying to forgive. It is a process. Today I was less angry with her than I was the day before. That is progress. I still had flashes of fiery rage that would pop up from some random thought but I think it will gradually fade to the point that I just don't care about it any longer. I will simply shrug and wish her the best. I want to feel that way. I need to be able to let go. I had quite a bit of trouble sleeping last night. I didn't get to sleep until four in the morning and then I went through a series of dreams that were dreadful. I dreamed my kids were being terrorized and crying for me to protect them but there was nothing I could do to reach them even though I could clearly see them crying out to me. I also dreamed I had somehow mistakenly violated the restraining order and gotten into trouble and I couldn't explain myself and that it was accidental. The nightmares have to stop. I need peace but I am suffering more torment when I sleep than anything else. It is rare for me to be able to fall asleep before two or three in the morning. That is really not a good thing. It scares me a little to be haunted in my sleep. It might even make my wife happy to know I am feeling this way right now. After all....I deserve everything I get.

I deserve peace and happiness and I am determined to let go of more of the emotional baggage that has weighed me down for years. I know how love is supposed to be and this hasn't been love in a very long time. I honestly hope and pray she finds whatever it is she is looking for. I wish I could just hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright - that we just have to find a way through this. I don't want to fight. I don't want to hate. I want to do whatever we can to show our kids the love and respect they deserve from both parents. She needs to acknowledge she has a problem with her anger and depression. Faith in God is a beautiful thing but she also needs to seek professional help to evaluate her condition and find a solution that will help her cope with her intense emotions. I only want her to get better. Even though we are through, I will always love her. We lived through some very good and bad times as partners. We have two of the most amazing and wonderful little girls the world has ever known and I will always be grateful to her for bringing them into this world. Even in the midst of my own suffering, I ache for her as well. We are both wounded and damaged. I didn't show her the sensitivity she needed. We hurt one another with our words (in her case) and lack of words (in mine). I am ashamed for not opening up to her more. I remained clammed up for so many years because I was afraid she would use my words to hurt me. She was constantly afraid I would leave her. For so long, I thought she was nuts to think this way. Her fear probably wasn't founded in her suspicions of me as much as it was from the wounds deep in her own heart from childhood.

I have always found extreme emotion very frightening and have avoided it like the plague. My avoidance only exacerbated her need for validation and the root of much bitterness was born. Let me just say this once again: I hope she finds what she is looking for and I wish her every happiness and success in her new life. I will keep her in my prayers and pray to God that she treats our girls with a kind and sweet spirit as they continue on their own journey to adulthood. I hope that letting all of this emotional content flow from within me to this page that I will have extra capacity to fill my heart with more love and kindness. I really feel a sense of growth tonight. This has been so helpful. I hope we all sleep well tonight.

Forgiveness part 2

I am really troubled by the knowledge that I must forgive (and I really want to) but still deal with a desire to avenge this injustice or at least remain angry and bitter. I feel all of those things and more. My gentle nature says I cannot hold on to all this volatility without it really doing long-term damage to myself and my kids. I cannot control what my wife says or does but I can decide to move in a positive direction. God knows, I am trying to move forward. It is so difficult to move forward when you feel like a man without a country. As a man, I define myself by the things I have done; my children, my wife, my home, my possessions, my job, my family and friends. With one murderously deceitful stroke of a pen on a Domestic Violence petition many of the things I hold most dear were stolen from me. What makes the injustice even more gut-wrenching is knowing that for four days after my wife made the decision to take out this onerous miscarriage of justice on me, she lived with me (remember, she claims she was in fear of me) and things were fairly normal. All the while she was already planning how quickly she could pack up my things and have me out of the house. That is sick and cruel. If she were truly in fear of me she would have been hiding out at her Dad's summer home a half-hour away from the house. Does this sound like genuine fear? The night before the injunction was served on me, she and I were sitting on our front porch, watching our girls play in the yard, and asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with a divorce. I said I did. She said I had no idea how hard my life was going to be. I asked her what she meant by those words and she just said, "oh..nothing...it will just be hard living without your children." I told her it sounded more threatening than that but she said that it was only about custody. Yeah....right. The next day the anvil fell on my head and I never saw it coming. I suspect she felt like it was a fair thing to do because, after all, she did ask me one last time if I was serious about wanting a divorce.

It is because of these things that I feel the deceit is so impossible to forgive or even understand. What kind of depraved mind would do something so mean-spirited? How could there ever be any degree of trust again after such a low blow? We have to raise these children together for the next thirteen years whether we want to work together or not. How could somebody do something like this? When I focus on the concept of forgiveness, I do feel better and even somewhat kindly towards her but when I get beyond the concept and contemplate the actual details of how this occurred then I realize how impossible it is to forgive at this time. I vacillate between pity for her and loathing. Ask me how I feel five minutes from now and my answer will likely be different. I am so tired of thinking about this and yet it has completely overtaken my life. I have had to drive to the courthouse so many times I swear I could do it blindfolded. I have to constantly fill out some new form and jump through some sort of hoop in order to satisfy the so-called justice system. The thing is, one day very soon, the system will tire of this melodrama and move on. Then my wife (Ex-wife) will be isolated and will suffer from this decision. She loves the attention she is receiving right now. I swear to look at her you'd think she had been scared to death. She wears her crown of thorns with great pride. When the drama subsides and all the details addressed her moment of crisis and drama will be over. Then she will have nothing but the stillness of isolation to comfort her. That is when I fear she will be overtaken by her inner-demons (and they are very, very real) and start tormenting our children. I stayed all those years to shield them from her erratic and frightening behavior. Now that I am gone, who will protect them? She is a master of manipulation and it scares the daylights out of me to think what she might do next. I am going to wear out my knees praying for God to intercede and save our kids. Why can't she just admit she has a problem and get some help?! Counseling can help only so much. There is something much deeper than that that drives her behavior and it has always scared me.

Forgiveness

I was browsing at the bookstore tonight and came across a compelling quote: "To not forgive is to decide to suffer." As impressed as I am with the wisdom of those words, I am definitely not there yet. The kids called tonight before bed and we had a nice chat. It kind of irritated me to hear my wife and father-in-law in the background, prompting the kids to speak and ask me about my day. I know (in this instance) they are trying to be helpful but it still makes me feel crowded. Hearing the voice of the person who is causing me this misery angers me. She cannot sit there in the background and act as if everything is fine. It isn't. If I am not allowed to speak to my spouse, I'll be damned if I want to hear the sound of her voice. I am trying to find peace and forgiveness within myself but it is beyond me how to accomplish such a daunting task.

Something about this tragedy has really brought out the best and worst in people. With my spouse it is obviously her worst and I hope she somehow can come to terms with the destruction she has left in her wake. The best has come from friends and family. They have been amazingly supportive and encouraging. I still feel very much alone in a room full of people but they are really wonderful to take time to email me or call to check in and just be there to listen. My best friend called today and we had an excellent chat. It seems that every time I relate the story, I relive every emotion I have experienced from then to now. I hate doing it but it is somehow cathartic. Normally, I am a sensitive person but I don't see any need for tears. I feel like a girl these days - a thought or recollection pops into my head and I am instantly overwhelmed by grief and the tears flow like rain. I hate that. I shouldn't be so affected. That isn't what guys are supposed to do. That isn't a way that I have ever behaved or felt before. I suppose there is something about being violated on such an intimate and deeply personal level that draws out every possible emotion without regard for how I think I am supposed to behave. I have never suffered so much intense sadness. It truly is like a death of a loved one.

Enough of this drivel. I'm going out with my brother to a place where we can light a cigar and enjoy life.

To my spouse's credit

I just got a call from the kids. It felt so good to hear their voice on the other end of the phone. I love them so much and not being close makes my heart ache. I only wish there were some way we could be together more often. I understand that there has to be separation between the parents but the sudden jolt of separation with no warning and no chance to slowly ease away has damaged us all. I would love to be able to spend one weekend day each weekend with them at least for a while. Going so long between visits will be very difficult. I an counting the days until I can see them again. To her credit, my wife had the kids call a few hours after our third-party contact asked her about the girls calling. She didn't have to do it and I appreciate that she is trying to keep the girls and me as close as we can given the impossible circumstances she created. Also, she was very fair in giving so many of my personal items without arguing or dragging things out in court-ordered mediation or some other negotiation. That helped. I don't have any place to hang my art or shelves to stock my books but it feels good to have something from home. It is strange to find comfort in an inanimate object but for now I suppose I will find joy in the little things. I am going to try to be big enough to be appreciative of whatever kindness my wife is willing to extend my way. I want to be hateful and hostile because of the way she treated me but I don't want that rage to consume and imprison me. I need to find a way to let it go and just try to get on with my life. Somehow, God willing, I will find that way.

Suffer the children

Last night I waited for my kids to call me but my nightly phone call never came. The judge instructed they call every night at 7pm. She did that when my petition for an injunction was still on the table. As of now, I don't know if the judge is still requiring that we get nightly communication but I suspect that it was her intention that the regular contact continue, uninterrupted. When the kids were over for their Thursday night visitation we did discuss some difficult things about what had happened in court. They asked questions and I didn't think it was right to sugar-coat the truth. I didn't say anything mean or inaccurate and tried to be sensitive to all parties but I couldn't simply say that things just didn't work out for daddy. I told them that mommy told the judge that daddy was a bad man and that she was afraid of me becoming violent with her. They both knew that was total b.s. and said that they didn't know why mommy would say such a thing. I didn't want to speculate with them but I know exactly why she did it. It was a way to take the first strike and wound me before we ever got to divorce court. She wanted to have me swiftly removed from our home and gain the upper hand. Pure and simple. I wish she would have to explain herself not only to them but to me as well. Like all the other times she has been unfair and abusive to me I'm sure she will one day apologize and think I am being mean and petty when I cannot accept her apology. This is a pattern as old as time with her. She lashes out and leaves collateral damage all over the place and then expects that saying she is sorry will somehow be enough. Not enough. Not this time.

I am still burning with rage but I honestly hope to be able to one day forgive her for this behavior. We need to be able to work together to raise our kids in partnership. They deserve to know that no matter what happened to our marriage that we are still together in unity when it comes to being their parents. They need to count on us working as a team, committed to establishing consistent rules of behavior and communicating important information necessary to effectively guide them. At this moment, I really don't mind not speaking to her. The restraining order assures me that I will have peace and not have to participate in an ugly conversation or argument. That part is great. I don't want to fight with her ever again. The bad part is that the scorched earth approach the restraining order took severely limits our ability to raise our kids in partnership. They will suffer because of this and I will raise them differently than my wife would like but I suppose we will all just have to do what we think is best. I pray she doesn't try to use them as pawns to make me suffer. She just told our third party contact that the final order didn't specify that she have the kids call every night. Last night wasn't convenient for them because her dad got home late from meeting me to pick up my belongings and they had to eat dinner. She left out the part about having to brush and floss teeth. It only takes a few minutes to have the kids call. It is inexcusable to not encourage them to communicate with me and there should always be some time consideration to attempt to preserve and maintain the relationship with the other parent. She did say to our third-party contact that she did intend for them to call even though she wasn't compelled by the judge to do so but that last night wasn't convenient. Should l be grateful for that consideration?. It isn't exactly convenient for me to be denied access to my kids for the majority of the month - especially the manner in which it went down. I wish she would try to show a little more flexibility and sensitivity for the other party. After all, this isn't about us any longer. We are through. It is about our kids now so we must put aside our differences (and there are many) and focus on raising them and making every effort to reinforce the bond between parent and child.

I am not unrealistic enough to think that they will call me every night at the same time until they hit eighteen. That is silly. I don't want them to do it out of a sense of obligation. Once we get further along and things calm down I fully expect the calls will not be like clockwork if the kids are busy. We are only a few weeks into this process so things (my emotions included) are delicate and we should all make a conscientious effort to be consistent with the kids. They need this contact even more than I do but I will admit I am desperate for it. I count the minutes until I hear my phone ring every night. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing I am always there and ready to go. Enough for now, I suppose.

Going back to my house

I went back to my house today for the first time since the betrayal. The judge granted me one trip to retrieve my stuff. I have plenty of things and there was no way I could remove it all. I will have to go all the way back to court (about forty miles away) and play 'mother-may-I?' to be granted another visit to retrieve the rest of my belongings. I was met there by our pastor (which was a very good thing) and my father-in-law. Things were peaceable but I had to question dear 'ol dad about why he would allow this sort of behavior from his daughter. He financed this injustice. He raised his hands up and shrugged and said I was speaking to the wrong person. I pointed out that I couldn't speak to his daughter and their attorney isn't returning my phone call. Whom exactly do I speak with?

He suffered a long and hard battle with my wife's mother who is just like her. He put up with abuse for years in his own marriage. His daughter has done the exact same thing to me. I asked him how he could do something so cruel. Something so vile and evil. I will not bore anyone with all the details of that conversation but I honestly believe he really saw me and understood my plight. I told him that I am living the same life he led with her mother. I have stayed in the marriage and suffered insane amounts of abuse, both verbal and physical. I am being persecuted through the family law system because his daughter lied and said she was afraid I would hurt her. He and I have known each other for ten years and he knows I have never raised a hand to his daughter. He knew I was right. He had to feel the guilt and shame of seeing the father of his grandchildren face to face, in utter angst. I had an incredibly difficult time keeping my emotions from overwhelming me. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose control from either sadness or rage.

I told him this could have been handled honorably which would have made things amicable and productive. That would have been best for the children. Now all they have succeeded in is building a bonfire of rage within me. How did this benefit anybody? Had we just agreed that it was time to divorce and just do it, we could have all saved thousands on legal fees and I would have given my wife the shirt off my back. Now, I'll be damned if I do anything to make things easier for her. She is entitled to nothing other than court-ordered child support. I will still be glad to provide generously (as much as I can afford) to my children but she gets nothing. How could she do something so cold and calloused? Recently we had a serious financial crunch and I gave it all to her and the girls. I worked twenty-hour days for several weeks in a row (weekends included) to make up the deficit and provide for our needs. This is repayment for my absolute dedication to the family. To be fair, there are two sides to every story. This is only my part. She has grievances and I wouldn't deny her that. I am not the perfect husband. I made plenty of mistakes but one thing I have always been is gentle and civil. My victim's rights advocate told my dad I was too nice in court. That I didn't go for the jugular and suffered for it. He called me a "gentle giant". That hurt to hear but given the accusations leveled against me, I'll take it as a compliment. I hope my father-in-law has a real attack of conscience and compels her to stop this madness and settle with me so we can all move on with our lives. I also implored him to get her psychologically evaluated and some treatment. "You know she is exactly like her mother and now that you have successfully removed me from my children, who will protect them from her? Who will speak for them?" I hope he feels shame and sorrow. In the end, you have to support your children but you should also have the courage to confront them, regardless of age, with the hard truth when it is necessary. This is all so very sad. It didn't have to be this way.

I alternate between hatred and pity for my wife right now. What a strange mixture of emotions this day has brought. I gave the abridged version of our conversation but I don't think I have ever spoken so eloquently and passionately. It was very raw, very real and so honest that it left no doubt how much pain he had caused and for all the wrong reasons. He hung his head and avoided eye-contact with me and occasionally nodded his head in acknowledgment of the points I made. I didn't badger him or berate him but I did shame him for playing a part in the further destruction of our family bond as well as my formerly good name. I walked down my driveway with tears streaming down my cheeks and a gaping hole in my heart. I hope you are proud, dad.

Isolation

I feel so utterly alone. Everywhere I go, I see dads with their kids. I see couples who appear happy. I don't know how to process this feeling of isolation. There is nothing that will sate the feelings of loss when your children are taken away. It is bad enough that I am accused of being a monster and having to live out of a suitcase but add the loss of children and it makes for the perfect storm, emotionally speaking.

A new day

I swear every minute is a different feeling with me. Early in the day I felt like I had been raped. That is the way it felt then and still does. I will think about something or see something that reminds me of my life before this mess and I develop a sudden case of bitter rage mixed with a healthy dose of sadness. I hope those episodes subside a little more each day. As the day went along, I started to feel a little better. Can acceptance be far behind? Early this morning, I was so weary and hurt that I couldn't bring myself to get ready for work. I sat and stared at my breakfast for the better part of an hour. Admittedly, I was feeling sorry for myself. I didn't have the will to get up and start doing something productive. I am striving to become more philosophical about it all and just know that I am far better off being removed from the toxic environment I used to call home. My estranged spouse (soon to be -ex) seems to treat the kids well when she is feeling okay. I hate that. She should treat them well always. I have seen that this isn't the case but it really doesn't matter because she was the first one to cry foul and report me to the authorities. They are far too eager to rush to the aid of a so-called battered woman. I should just be clear here and declare my disgust for domestic violence. No person, man or woman, should have to live with violence or harassment. If a person batters their spouse (and it is clear they actually did what was claimed) they deserve jail time. Counseling is probably a very good thing, too. At least in this case it is a sick joke for my spouse to call herself battered. It is nearly as sick as Ted 'The Swimmer' Kennedy being outspoken on women's rights. You hear the words but can hardly believe they are coming from the source.

I wish I had more time to delve into some thoughts that are bouncing around in my mind but I am afraid I need to get some sleep. Last night was awful. Tonight will hopefully go better. If nothing else, a few Tylenol PM capsules will help to take the edge off.

Praying for numbness

It is day two of this nightmare. I am still in shock. I think I got about three hours of sleep. That makes five hours in the past two days. Now I have to go to work and pretend that everything is fine. I wonder when I will be able to finally feel 'okay'. At this point I am praying for numbness or ambivalence because it surely must be better than feeling such deep pain. C'mon numbness...don't let me down!

Post-injunction insomnia

It is after 2:30 in the morning and I still cannot fall asleep. I just cannot seem to shut my mind off. I only got two hours of sleep last night out of nervousness of the trial. I cannot stop thinking and re-thinking the questions, answers and the questions I really wanted to ask but didn't get the opportunity. I feel like I've been branded a criminal, framed for a crime I absolutely did not commit. The judge looked at me as if I were some sort of monster. "But your honor, she has hit me over and over the past several years!" I implored her to hear me but she really didn't want to hear that line of thinking. I don't know what I could have done to clarify my position. I am not a monster. I am a loving father. I am a man who has endured years of trauma only to find myself accused and judged guilty of committing acts of violence.

I am rattled to the core. I feel violated. I cannot seem to come to grips with the anguish I am feeling in my heart when I think about my kids. I have failed them no matter how noble my intentions might have been. I want to scream but nobody is listening. I want to cry but tears will not bring back my children or restore my good name. I cannot go to our church any longer because of the restraining order. My home is gone. My possessions are no longer mine to enjoy. I am feeling hollow inside simply thinking about the life I had a few short weeks ago. Now I am reduced to living out of a suitcase and gratefully accepting the hospitality of my parents. I don't know where 'home' is any longer. I can never return to the home I have known as my own.

Hopefully after this grief subsides, acceptance will soon follow. I am eagerly anticipating starting a new life with new hope. I need to find normal - whatever that is. I am in no way suicidal (that is selfish and sick) but I have a difficult time dealing with this feeling of death sounding more attractive than a life with this kind of emotional pain. I only want this extreme pain to go away. I will not drink to dull my senses and will take careful precautions to avoid any sort of behavior that might be destructive. Please, God, just make this grief go away soon! I desperately want to feel whole again.

You can call me Al

Like the old Paul Simon song, 'You can call me Al' I suppose I have to ask myself some difficult questions:

1. Why am I so soft in the middle? I was once told by a wise person that I appeared to be a "people-pleaser". I fear that is correct. I want to make everybody happy. I never want to be the bad guy and be the one to cause anyone else pain. This has been often to my own detriment. I hate that about myself.

2. Why do I hesitate to make the difficult decisions? I have lived in a relationship that has been filled with torment and sporadic violence for years. It wasn't until I viewed my notes chronicling the abuse and misery that I realized how pervasive and insidious it had been over the years. Domestic violence had become a lifestyle in our home. I knew it was a very toxic relationship years ago. I was frozen in place, trying to do what I thought was best for my girls but staying there even though it caused me tremendous pain. I didn't run from the abuse because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to rescue my daughters from their mother. I stayed thinking I was somehow protecting them. I did manage to be a buffer between them and their mother but I should have filed for a protective order against her before she did it to me. She did this as a retaliatory measure when I told her I was going to file for divorce. I could have prevented much of this pain by being decisive and taking action. I know I was wrong and must now live with the results of my indecision.

I must be resolved to be more assertive when my instincts tell me something is wrong. I cannot afford to make this kind of mistake ever again. The 'live and let live' approach I take to life is the surest way to end up getting exactly what everyone else gives me instead of asserting my will and accepting nothing less. Enough of the foolishness. Enough compromising my own interests.

How can I be any good to others if I cannot or will not be good to myself first? Enough.

The first (and worst) day of the rest of my life

To my sweet daughters:

Today I went to court to try to defend myself against a charge of domestic violence that your mother reported against me. She claimed I threatened her and made her fear for her safety. I didn't have the funds to hire an attorney so I went in alone. That was a terrible mistake. Your mom had an attorney to represent her, courtesy of her father. I was sunk from the moment the hearing started. They scrutinized the domestic violence injunction I had filed against her as a response. I tried to make my point but I was hopelessly lost in the proceedings and the judge was impatient. I didn't know what I was doing and it cost me everything. I have endured years of abuse but couldn't find a way to satisfy the judge that anything at all had occurred. It was over in a flash. My wife lied and said I was a threat to her. She said I was going to hurt her. I have never, in over ten years of being together done anything to harm her. I have never lifted a hand to her. She, on the contrary, has repeatedly abused me. She has hit me, threatened me and humiliated me over and over for years.

I am crushed. Destroyed. I feel like something or someone has died. I cannot even speak to your mother. She unfairly accused me of these awful deeds and I cannot tell her how she has hurt me. I cannot even tell her that you scraped your knee on the sidewalk. I cannot speak to her in any way, shape or form. Her behavior is what brought this about. It all began on Saturday (two months ago) when I tried to take you girls to Grandma's house for a visit. Your mother was angry with my mom for whatever reason and said you guys couldn't go. I disagreed and said that you were going this time. Last weekend she had 'bulldogged' me and took off with you girls and denied your chance to see your grandma even after she had said that it would be okay. She changed her mind. She tried to snatch you girls out of the house and take off once again. We argued over this subject for quite some time. Your mother continued to escalate her agitated behavior, pushing me and screaming. She was scaring me and went way too far. I was afraid for your safety if you were to go with her. My oldest daughter, you refused to go with your mom and remained by my side. My youngest daughter, you were snatched by the arm by your mother and dragged outside where so much ugliness followed....Oh what difference does any of this make? I am now being treated like a criminal and your mom is pretending to be a battered victim. It is so sick. This is the saddest day of my life. The good thing is I get some pretty fair visitation with you guys. It is going to be so much harder to live and interact with you guys because if I so much as utter a syllable at your mother then I am in violation of the law and subject to criminal prosecution. If there were any justice whatsoever in this world, it would be the other way around. Your mom was 'afraid' I might be violent. I have been battered for years. I just didn't have the attorney to help me not completely fall apart on the witness stand. I told the judge that I was confused and wanted a continuance to seek legal counsel. She denied my request and forced the proceedings to go on. That killed me. Now I am a 'batterer' and am going to have to take 29 weeks of classes and be subjected to paying exorbitant amounts for classes I absolutely do not need and don't deserve. It is so unfair. I am a fool for not finding some way to get an attorney sooner. There have been times in my life where I have looked at the mistakes my own father has made and think he is a fool. I think the situation was perfectly obvious. In hindsight, I guess I thought that because I had truth on my side that justice would surely prevail. I froze and became flustered. It was terrible. I was misunderstood from the start due to a very hastily written domestic violence injunction petition. It is totally unfair and unwarranted. I've probably said that a million times already. I have been wronged and there is nowhere I can turn to set things right. I just have to go along with the domestic violence label attached to my good name and hope to one day be able to enjoy the same rights as every other law-abiding citizen in this country. For the next two years I will remain disenfranchised, living apart from my children, my home and all the things that make somewhere feel like home.

I feel violated. I thought the truth would set me free. I wanted to get primary custody of you girls and have the judge compel your mom to get the help she desperately needs. I have lived under her tyranny for years and finally that is over. That part is positive, I suppose. I was denied the normal legal process and was cheated by being falsely accused. Your mother knows what she said is complete garbage. Your grandfather knows it, too. I just don't understand what they were thinking.

I tried to speak to you guys on the phone tonight but couldn't maintain my composure. I kept breaking down and crying. I hate that. I hate it that you guys had to know how devastated I am. It is important that you know I love you. I do. With all my heart. I will go to my grave loving you two unconditionally. I am relieved for my own selfish reasons that I will not have to speak to your mother for two whole years. That part is wonderful. I am so weary of speaking with her. I just want to know why she did this. I want to know how she can justify it in her own mind. How can this be anything but pure evil? My victim's advocate from the sheriff's office even said it was very harsh and disappointing but that I should have been more forceful and descriptive of the abuse. If nine pages of narrative aren't enough I don't know what more I could have done to shout to the world that this is a farce.

All my love,

Daddy